Guardian Angel
by Living in a fantasy
Summary: It has been two years since Matt and Mello were rescued from the streets and brought to Wammy's, but Matt's feelings have moved beyond friendship and family. Will he ever have the courage to tell Mello? And what will Mello say if he does? Sequel to Savior
1. Two Years Later

**AN: You guys are amazing. Over 200 reviews for Savior? Thank you so much. I never expected such a response.**

**Okay so the sequel begins. Don't expect weekly updates like with Savior, I haven't mapped everything out yet. Updates will be a little slower because of that, and because of placement tests and stuff like that. Either way I know a lot of you are excited about the sequel.**

**Reading Savior is not required for this story, but it would help. Some situations from Savior will be mentioned that will not make total sense unless you've read it.**

**Also sorry the first chapter is a bit of a slow start haha. Enjoy anyway.**

**Disclaimer: Can I claim to own the Savior universe? It is AU after all xD**

/…/…/…/

Chapter one: Two Years Later

It's been two years since Mello and I were accepted into Wammy's. Two years. It feels like I just got here, but at the same time I couldn't imagine being anywhere else.

Wammy's house was my home. Home…what a nice word. A celebration on Christmas, a warm place to sleep, real meals every day, and most of all someone who cared about me. Then again I had the last one since I escaped from my parent's home.

Mello and I were as close as ever. In fact, Mello was the only person I really talked to. I didn't trust the other orphans here. They only cared about being the best. Sure they may have friends but I didn't know them. They could just be using each other. Besides they had no interest in me anyway.

Mello talked to others occasionally, but not very often. I don't think he really trusts anyone here. It's probably amazing that he could come to trust me.

People had stopped staring after a couple of days. After all, they had important things to study for…to become the next L.

Frankly I didn't really care about it. Mello did though. He cared a lot. I think he feels indebted to L for helping us.

We still share a bed…Mello's bed. We'd never talked about it; it just felt safer for both of us. This had lately though led to less than pure thoughts.

Because…I've had feelings for Mello for a while now. And not just 'oh he's attractive' feelings, but strong feelings. 'You're all I think about' feelings. 'My life is meaningless without you' feelings. 'I would die to keep you safe and happy' feelings.

Yeah, those kinds of feelings.

I suppose I've been in love with him a while. I discovered it sixth months and twenty eight days ago. I had seen a girl confess her feelings for Mello. She'd even leaned up and tried to kiss him.

He pushed her away, but that was the moment I knew it. I could finally identify the burning feeling I got in my stomach whenever anyone stood too close to him. It wasn't just jealousy of possibly seeing him less, but I was jealous of someone who might be near him, touch him, kiss him. I wanted to be the only person to ever be that close to him.

"Matt? Would you focus?!"

I blinked and looked up at my savior. My own personal guardian angel. "Eh?"

He growled. "We're studying Matt, stop daydreaming," he said.

Mello did not have a problem (loudly) voicing his opinions, but he didn't raise his voice at me. He didn't hit me either, even if some people thought differently. Even if he was very angry he made an attempt to not start shouting. He'd known since early on that it made me nervous.

He had snapped, just once. We'd been arguing and he'd hit me, but I've never seen him so apologetic. He'd apologized over and over for ages, and he still looked remorseful if he ever yelled. I think he still felt guilty about it, explaining partially why he might yell about people around me, but he never directed any of his anger towards me.

I had forgiven him right away anyway though. How could I not?

"Matt! Pay attention!" he flicked my head lightly and I blinked again, shaking myself out of my thoughts to focus on him. His eyes were narrowed disapprovingly, face illuminated by the setting sun from the window beside us.

I forced my thoughts away before I was distracted again. "Okay what are we going over?"

He rolled his eyes. "Sociology Matt. Honestly." He flipped through the book some then looked at me. "Do you think life would be easier if everyone lived like the Truk?"

I scanned my brain quickly to remember what lifestyle this particular village had, then shook my head. "No way. That would mean to never forgive anyone. It means we could never make a mistake."

He looked thoughtful. "But then everyone is always kind…they don't hurt each other because they know they'll never be forgiven."

"Then you'll have a problem Mel, with that temper of yours," I teased. "Besides if someone in our culture does something bad enough, they won't be forgiven; unless the person really loves them. Then there's always the chance for forgiveness. I wouldn't want to give that chance up."

"So would you forgive me?" he asked. I blinked then nodded.

"Of course."

He smiled. His smile is the most breathtaking thing in the world. He looks like a totally different person when he is honestly smiling. "Come on, it's time for dinner," he said, standing.

It had been strange at first, getting three meals a day. I hadn't gotten those even when I lived with my parents. I'd adapted very easily to the concept though.

We had chicken today, with mashed potatoes and rolls. They were serving chocolate for desert. I didn't catch the name but passed mine over to Mello instantly. He smiled again and raised his fork, but I stopped him. "Eat dinner first Mello."

He scowled but complied. Mello's chocolate addiction had increased tenfold since we had gotten here. Wammy's hadn't helped my love for video games lessen either. Since the orphanage encouraged our quirks, our obsessions had only grown.

"What do you think of education in the former Soviet Union?"

I blinked. "You're asking a lot of questions today," I remarked.

He shrugged. "I'm curious to hear your opinion."

"Fine," I said. "It's effective, I'll give them that, but I don't agree with it. They're still children; they shouldn't have the power to punish their own classmates. Besides that row competing could really tear down someone's self-esteem."

"What are you referring to?" he asked suspiciously.

"Nothing. I just don't think forcing children that young to compete and to be considered a failure if they're not at the top is a good idea."

The implications of what I said hung heavily in the air. Mello said nothing so I continued. "It's kind of like what Erikson said."

Mello blinked. "How is that at _all_ like what Erikson said?"

"Industry versus inferiority. By not being praised for the work they do, they feel inferior, even if it isn't true."

It was glaringly obvious that I wasn't talking about the Soviet Union anymore. "That stage isn't covered in adolescence."

"Erikson said we're always developing. According to his theory because of our childhood we should be almost completely unable to form secure relationships. We managed okay."

I realized the moment the words left my mouth that they may have implied something. I had to stop doing that. Just because I wanted something more didn't mean that I could force these feelings on Mello.

There was no doubt that he would reject me. Sure we were close, but why would he ever want a relationship like that with me? I was helpless and clingy, not Mello's type at all. I had to satisfy myself with just being friends, or I might lose him entirely.

"Yeah I suppose we did."

We mutually dropped the subject. I didn't want to fight with him, and this was one of the conversations that led to a fight very quickly. While Mello had fully embraced the competitive life and rose to number two, I had never fully agreed with it. Sure L cared about the orphans here, but I didn't like how the system here made Mello feel. L had told me once in one of our meetings that if I ever applied myself I could beat Mello and Near both.

Frankly I disagree with that. I try hard enough, I'm just easily distracted. I'm still third after all, but even so I'm still pretty far behind Mello. Besides I don't even want to imagine Mello's reaction if I beat him in the rankings. A test here and there was fine, but to become number two? I don't know if he would forgive me.

"What are you going to do tonight?" I asked as we stood from the table. We dumped our trash and continued towards the door.

"I should study some. I got an A- on the last calculus test."

"Oh," I said, looking away. Mello studied too much in my opinion; just because he felt indebted to L. L wasn't even here- he was in Japan working on the Kira case.

Evidently he noticed the disappointment in my voice because he spoke up again. "Why? Did you want to do something?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. It's Friday, I figured we could take a break." I opened the door to our room and sprawled across my rarely used bed.

"How about I study an hour, then we make some popcorn and watch a movie?" he asked, already pulling out a heavy book.

"That sounds fair," I replied, pulling the DS Mello had bought me for my fifteenth birthday from my pocket. My original one had been broken beyond repair, and I had been saving up to buy a new one until a month ago Mello had surprised me with this as my birthday gift. I flipped open my DS and began to play.

The room was silent except for the music from my game, but Mello was true to his word and an hour later he closed the book and stood. "Ready?" he asked, stretching.

Nodding, I quickly saved my game and pocketed it. I rarely went anywhere without some type of handheld- it was a great tool against boredom.

The halls were almost empty as we made our way down to the kitchens. It didn't take long to reach them, and soon the popcorn was ready and we were heading back upstairs.

It was only the beginning of March, so it was somewhat chilly in the room. Mello narrowed down our movie choices while I pulled the comforter from my bed. He held out the final two choices and let me pick, then put the DVD in and sat beside me.

I wrapped the blanket around us both and leaned back against the foot of the bed. I loved nights like this. I loved just being able to be around him without the stress of studying being a distraction. Admittedly the stress here wasn't as extreme as trying to survive on the streets.

Mello's eyes were trained on the screen, and I found myself watching him more than the movie. When I'd first discovered my feelings I had literally burst into tears. I didn't know how I could handle it. Then I denied it for a while, before I finally just accepted it. With accepting it I learned I'd have to hide it. It hadn't been that hard, but lately it had gotten more difficult. I don't know how it's possible, but I swear I fall in love with him more every day.

It wasn't very late yet, but I'd been up late the night before beating a game, and I found it harder and harder to keep my eyes open. Eventually I let my head fall to rest on Mello's shoulder. He did nothing, used to it even two years later, and by the time the credits began rolling I was half asleep against him.

"Come on Matt," he said, nudging me gently. "I told you to stop staying up all night playing your games." He pulled me up and led me to the bed, saying he'd clean up. I got comfortable and closed my eyes.

I kind of dozed in and out for a bit, until he climbed into bed beside me. Not really thinking about it, I turned towards him and moved closer. "Night Mello," I muttered, not even sure he could understand the jumbled words coming from my mouth.

"Night Matt."

/…/…/…/

**AN: And so it begins. As you can see, Matt dutifully attempts to ignore his feelings for Mello, but sometimes he can't help but think about it. I will enjoy developing his feelings throughout.**

**I was writing this in chemistry after my sociology, so that's how all that snuck in xD But I managed to make it relate to them so it all works out.**

**I don't know how I feel about this chapter. But it's kind of the introduction anyway. So please review and tell me what you think of it, and I'll try to update as soon as I can. As previously warned I may not be able to update weekly at first. Thanks for reading.**

**Unrelated note: Clannad After Story has just won for "sweetest anime moment ever" with episode 22. I was overwhelmed with happiness this weekend.**


	2. Contradictions

**AN: Wow the response to the first chapter was amazing. Thanks everyone, I'm glad so many of you are enjoying it. Well here comes chapter two. After taking my placement tests (in which I knew almost none of the math and finished English with over half an hour left over) I came home, had lunch, and decided to write instead of relaxing, so feel special xD I hate math so much. I'm going to college, why can't I choose NOT to take math? Rant, rant, rant.**

**Disclaimer: No seriously does anyone put these anymore? Regardless I don't own Death Note.**

/…/…/…/

Chapter two: Contradictions

"This is fucking impossible!"

I heard a crash behind me and sighed, turning to face Mello. He'd thrown his calculus book against the wall and was standing, glaring at where it now lay on the floor. I rolled my eyes and closed my own study materials. "Honestly Mello. You can't set the thing on fire just using your eyes."

His glare shifted to me instead, but I simply stood and moved towards his book, picking it up slowly and turning to face him. His hands were clenched into fists at his side and I sighed, moving toward the desk. He continued to stand there as I sat down. I took his hand and tugged him lightly towards me. "Sit down. I'll help you study."

He grumbled a moment but complied, pulling his chair up from where it had fallen on the floor and sitting beside me. Wordlessly I held out the book and he took it, opening to the correct chapter and staring at it sulkily. I said nothing, just took his notebook and opened to a blank page. "Come on, what are you having trouble with?"

"Don't you have a test tomorrow in your British literature class?" he asked, pointing at one of the problems distractedly. He copied it down in the notebook, glancing up at me in the process.

It was true, I did have a test in that class, and it wasn't my best subject. Literature was always more Mello's thing. I preferred numbers and concrete answers. I could still comprehend it of course; I just had to work a little harder at it. And seriously, some literature was boring enough that I actually fell asleep reading it. That's not exaggeration, it's literal. Mello woke me up one afternoon about a week ago when I had fallen asleep reading something for class.

But that could wait. I wouldn't be able to focus with Mello complaining and making all those frustrated growls anyway. "It's fine. You have a test tomorrow too, and I don't want you complaining when you get an A- again," I joked.

He growled, making me laugh as I leaned against him to see how far he had gotten on the problem. My thoughts drifted a moment, being this close to Mello lately had started to do that, but I pulled myself back to help him through the problem.

I helped him the rest of the night, even when he said he understood it. I knew from experience that the knowledge of something could mysteriously vanish after several hours, and sure enough when we went over it again a while later he'd gotten a little lost. At least now though he understood it.

I stretched and yawned, changing quickly and climbing into bed. Mello was still at his desk. "Go to sleep Mello. You'll be too tired to focus if you study all night." I watched him a few minutes before he finally looked at me. He turned off the desk lamp and stood, discarding his shirt in the process. I turned away quickly; glad it was dark so he couldn't see me blushing.

His ease with disrobing in front of me certainly did not help contain the feelings I had.

I set the alarm as he climbed into the bed then closed my eyes, drifting to sleep almost instantly.

/…/…/…/

I had gotten a C on my test.

I suppose I wasn't that surprised. I had really needed to study some more for that test, but I'd helped Mello instead. That didn't bother me though. I just hoped he'd done well.

A C though…it was rare that I got a C on anything. A C at Wammy's was almost as bad as failing a test.

I heard the door open behind me and turned to see Mello stride in. His eyes met mine and he grinned, proudly brandishing the test. There was a 100 percent circled in red and I couldn't help but smile. "Good job Mel."

"Thanks," he said, sitting at the desk behind me. "It's because of you though. I would have missed a few things if you hadn't gone over them with me the night before." He looked thoughtful for a second then, before turning to face me fully. "Speaking of which, you should have gotten your test back today right? How did you do?"

I shrugged. "I did fine."

Evidently he detected the lie in my tone. I don't know how he can know everything about me and still be oblivious to my feelings for him. I guess I'm at least lucky in one respect then. "What did you get?"

I tried to brush him off. "I told you I did fine. Good enough that we could skip class tomorrow. It's supposed to snow tonight; it'll be the last big snowfall of the year probably."

"What did you get?" he asked a third time, and I sighed to myself. I forgot how resilient he could be. I didn't like showing him any bad scores, it made me feel like I had let him down. I pulled out the test and handed it to him.

He didn't say anything for a few moments, eyes moving rapidly across the pages and picking out every mistake I had made. I fidgeted uncomfortably next to him until he finally looked up.

"I'm sorry Matt."

"What?" I asked, staring blankly at him. Why was he apologizing?

He actually looked remorseful, eyes trained on the desk. "You were studying for the test when I threw the book and you came to help me instead. I usually go over your notes with you before your literature tests and I didn't this time. You could have done a lot better."

I shook my head. "Really Mello, its fine. It isn't your fault. I wanted to help you anyway."

He shook his head again so I fell silent. When Mello was this determined to say something, it was better to just let him get it out of his system.

"It isn't fine. I don't like you putting my schoolwork before your own. I knew you had a test and I just ignored it. Next time I'll help you study so you do amazing, okay?" he asked. I just nodded, smiling slightly. Even if I didn't agree with his guilt, it did make me feel happy that he cared that much about my grades. "It was just once test anyway right? And tomorrow you don't have British literature do you?" he asked, setting my test on the desk. I shook my head so he went on. "Then it's fine. If we get a lot of snow we can skip classes tomorrow and go out before everyone else gets out there."

I stared at him. "Really? You'll skip class?" I was skeptical. Mello was really dedicated to his work and doing his best…he rarely skipped classes, even if he was sick.

"Sure. It's the least I can do. Besides it is early March, so we won't get much more snow this year at all."

My smile widened. "Thanks Mello."

He shrugged. "No problem. Now come on, we should at least do our homework if we're going to skip."

"If we're skipping there's no point in doing the homework."

"That makes no sense. You have messed up logic Matt."

"I think you're the one with messed up logic."

/…/…/…/

Indeed, it did snow that night. My eyes fluttered open slowly the next morning, and I found myself pressed against Mello.

While we still shared a bed, over the past two years we had gotten past holding each other every night. It both disappointed me and relieved me, because while I loved being in Mello's arms, it was painful to know it was only as friends and could never be more.

We must have gravitated closer during the night though, and it wasn't hard to figure out why. I could feel a chill in the air through the blankets and returned to my place against Mello. It was warmer, almost a flashback to our street days. Of course this was nothing compared to that.

Mello mumbled quietly in his sleep and moved, the hand around my waist tightening. I could feel my face redden in response. He was so cute when he slept…he looked so innocent and carefree.

I found I spent too much time watching him sleep. It was the only time I could properly study him without being watched. It wasn't often however that I got a chance to watch him from this up close.

Mello shifted again, face twitching slightly before his eyes opened slowly. He stared blankly at me for a few moments before I could see comprehension form in them. He yawned and lifted himself up slightly, looking past me and to the clock on our bedside table.

"Nine. Guess we're skipping today for sure," he said, laying down beside me again and pulling the blankets farther up around us. "It's cold. It probably snowed then."

I nodded. To be honest I'd rather lay here with him the rest of the day.

We lounged around a bit before going down to the kitchens and getting ourselves something quick to eat. Then we donned our coats and went outside.

It was breathtaking. The snow was untouched, an endless blanket of white stretching before us. The snow had just fallen, and it sparkled lightly. Grey clouds covered the sky, indicating a possibility for more snow, and a moderate breeze reinforced the idea, sending flakes of snow flying before they settled once more on the white ground.

I turned to Mello. His hair was blowing slightly in the breeze, and when he turned to look at me, smiling, I almost melted. I could barely stop myself from brushing the hair back out of his face.

Thankfully, I managed to control myself.

We walked silently onto the snow covered ground, simply listening to the crunching under our feet as we walked. It was very peaceful, and I glanced at Mello out of the corner of my eye. It was nice to see him at ease.

It was also nice to be able to enjoy the snow. It was no longer just another obstacle to overcome; now we could appreciate it.

Overnight there had been almost a foot of snow. To me this was a pretty good amount, enough to be beautiful, but not enough to be a hassle, although Roger may disagree. Then again I don't know if there is anything he doesn't find to be a hassle.

I blinked out of my thoughts when I realized Mello wasn't beside me. I turned around and a snowball hit me hard on the shoulder. "Hey!" I protested, but another snowball sailed through the air and hit my chest. Mello had gathered several snowballs while I was lost in thought, and I dodged the next two, scooping up my own snow and throwing it back at him.

He laughed at my attempts and dodged easily, bending over to gather more snow. I took my opportunity and risked moving closer, thus ensuring my chances of hitting him. Sure enough my snowball struck, and he jumped up, giving me the perfect opportunity to strike him directly in the face with a second snowball.

His face was priceless, but I valued my life, so I ran. He was shouting and I just laughed, ignoring the snowball that struck my back. I heard his footsteps falter and bent down to gather my own snowball, turning and throwing just as a snowball came towards me. It hit me in the face and I flinched, startled by the ice suddenly melting on my face. I didn't have my goggles with me out here, and I wiped my eyes hastily to get the water out of them. Mello took the chance though to throw several more snowballs at me and I retreated, dodging behind a tree.

He approached the tree, but faltered when he saw the snowballs in my hands. We circled around the tree slowly, until I decided to take a chance and suddenly ran around the tree. Mello hadn't expected it, and I hit him once before he stuffed his snowball in my face.

I stopped a moment, thoughts derailing to think only of the freezing snow on my face. I wiped it off with my soaked sleeve, giving Mello ample time to retreat back several feet and continue to pelt me with snowballs. I didn't bother dodging, instead making a large snowball and running at him with it. He kind of hesitated when I didn't back down, and he wasn't fast enough to block the snowball when I launched it at his face. His arm only partially stopped it, and he actually staggered backwards. Without warning he leaped at me and tackled me to the ground.

The fall winded me, but luckily the snow provided a soft landing. Mello was laughing above me, but when I opened my eyes my breath caught in my throat.

His cheeks were flushed from the cold, eyes glittering in amusement. He was still laughing, a real smile etched on his face. I could feel his breath, warm and moist on my face, and if I leaned forward just a little bit, just a few inches, I could kiss him…

I abruptly shook the thoughts away, forcing a smile. I had to get him off me now before I lost my mind and kissed him. His full weight was on me, since he had evidently figured the fight was over. He smirked and flicked a bit of snow at my face. "I win."

"That was not a win at all," I protested, shifting from underneath him. I didn't like this. Well that's not true, I loved this. I loved feeling him above me, looking up at him, seeing all that happiness directed only at me. But I hated it because I recognized it for what it was, friendship, and nothing more. I hated the traitorous thoughts running through my head, suggesting what else we could be doing with him above me like that.

But what I wouldn't give to stay in this position forever.

I finally became aware of water soaking into my back, and shifted again. "Mello get off me, the snow is freezing."

He stood, offering me a hand up. He reached forward, brushing some snow from my hair and offering a quickly smile.

Sometimes I wished we weren't this comfortable around each other, because it just made everything that much harder. It was so hard to have so much contact with him…

Knowing that it would never be enough…

Knowing that it meant nothing to him, when it meant absolutely everything to me.

/…/…/…/

**AN: Angst angst angst. Matt obviously has contradicting thoughts: he loves being so close to Mello, but at the same time that closeness makes it harder on him. I'm enjoying this too much.**

**I am very much like Matt in the whole 'why do homework if I won't be there' aspect (in fact I put this practice to use this week). However I'm not like Matt in the 'math is better than English' aspect. I couldn't get an A on a math test if L took it for me.**

**Please review! I'll update soon.**


	3. Searching

**AN: Today in school I wrote Guardian Angel…an entire chapter…only it was a chapter in like, the middle of the story xD Silly me. ANYWAY here we go. Enjoy the next installment.**

**Disclaimer: Can this count for the entire story? I don't own Death Note and I never will (does a disclaimer even MATTER? I think I'm done with these).**

**/…/…/…/**

Chapter 3: Searching

"Matt?"

"Yes Mello?"

"Could you pass me the tissues?"

"Of course."

I stood from my bed and grabbed the tissues from the desk, handing them to Mello. He took them slowly, pulling a tissue from the box and blowing his nose. "Uhh," he moaned, dropping the used tissue on his bedside table and grabbing another one. Wordlessly I retrieved the garbage can and placed it beside his bed. "Thanks," he muttered.

Mello had gotten sick. It wasn't bad, it was just a cold. Even so, colds were miserable. They may not be life threatening but they still made you feel like crap. Mello sniffed, hand fumbling for the chocolate bar I'd given him earlier. He took a small bite then coughed. He choked for a moment and I rushed over, resting my hand on his arm as he sat up, coughing harshly.

When the coughing subsided I handed him a glass of water, and he drank gratefully. He looked terrible. The usual spark in his eyes had dimmed. He looked flushed, not too badly, but still flushed. How did he manage to get sick from the snow and not me? I'd trade places with him in an instant.

Well…maybe not in an instant. I didn't really want to be sick after all.

"Why am I the sick one? You were the one lying in the snow. It isn't fair," he whined. I rolled my eyes at his dramatics.

Mello shifted again, pushing down the blankets off his shoulders and turning his head to face me. He stayed still a moment before turning to face the wall. This pattern continued several minutes until he growled. "I'm not comfortable at all," he complained. "Fix it."

I stared at him. "What do you want me to do about it?" I asked.

He sighed. "I don't know. I hate being sick."

"I know Mel, but it'll pass in a couple of days. Good thing it's getting warmer right?" I asked, hoping to cheer him up.

He said nothing, sneezing instead. He quickly pulled a tissue from the box and blew his nose again, tossing the used tissue in the garbage. "That's so gross," he muttered, voice thick with congestion.

"But if you're sneezing your system is trying to get the germs out, meaning the cold is closer to being gone," I encouraged him. "So it's a good thing for you to be sneezing. If that's happening the worst of the cold could be gone by tomorrow! Embrace the sneezing, it's helpful."

"Yay for me," he said sarcastically.

His eyes were drooping with exhaustion. Colds can do that to you. I reached down, gesturing for him to sit up. He complied and I fluffed up the pillow the best I could. He laid back and stayed still this time, watching me tiredly. I gave him a small smile. "Sleep. You'll feel better when you wake up."

He shifted slightly, pulling the comforters up. I turned away, moving towards my bed since he had banned me from his. As I was about to sit however, I heard his gasp. He was silent a second, then he spoke. "My rosary."

"What?" I asked, turning towards him. He had his hand under his shirt, and my thoughts moved in a direction that was very far from innocent. Those thoughts stopped though when his panicked gaze met mine.

"It's gone! Matt my rosary is gone!" His eyes were wide and he wildly started looking around his bed.

"When did you last have it?" I asked.

"I don't know," he said, pushing the blankets aside and swinging his legs off the bed and onto the floor.

"What are you doing?!" I asked, alarmed. He ignored me, pushing himself to his feet. He staggered and I launched forward, steadying him and gently pushing him down. He resisted, but I got him to sit.

"I need to find it."

"You can't now!"

"I have to!" he insisted. "I know I had it before we went out. I might have lost it in the snow somehow. I'll never find it if I wait until tomorrow, there's supposed to be snow or sleet or something tonight!"

He'd search for it until he collapsed if I let him get up, so I kept a firm hand on his shoulder. He started to protest but sneezed instead, turning his head to the side to avoid sneezing on me. He reached blindly for the tissues and I handed him one.

When the tissue had been properly disposed of he looked up at me. He looked so nervous, but so tired. I didn't like seeing him this way. It brought back horrible memories. I could still hear him whimpering in his sleep, curling up in the blankets and actually admitting to me that he didn't feel well. It reminded me of the long trek to get water to help with his fever. Even if I knew this wasn't bad, it still worried me. There was no way I'd let him go out there.

"Just sleep," I said. "Sleep for an hour or two. You're exhausted. Once you wake up in a while we'll go out okay? First you need a little more energy though. I can even go down and have the cooks send up some soup or something first if you want.

He tried to protest for a minute but finally gave in. He opted to eat first, and by the time he was fed his eyes were barely open. I smiled gently and took the tray from him, setting it on our desk. "Night Mello," I whispered. I waited a few minutes until I was sure he was asleep then stood, quickly throwing on boots and my jacket. I glanced at the clock. It was five. By now the temperature would be going down again. I grabbed my gloves, hesitated a moment, then grabbed a hat. I closed the door quietly behind me then went outside.

No one was out now. The temperature had dropped considerably today, probably for the last time this year. I shivered when the wind hit me. Unlike before, the snow wasn't so lovely now. It was packed down from the many feet of children. The breeze wasn't soft, but howled in fury that a mere human dared to cross its path. Dark grey clouds filled the sky, dimming the light. It would probably be completely dark within an hour because of the clouds.

Knowing this, I ignored the wind and walked farther outside, stuffing my hands in my pockets and hunching forward against the wind. I followed the path Mello and I had taken. It was farther from the house, so the snow wasn't as packed down. Hopefully he'd dropped the rosary over here. If he hadn't I may not be able to find it.

I shuddered as another gust of wind came then started searching the ground. Feeling ridiculous, I finally got on my knees, brushing aside snow to look. It was rather tedious, but I knew Mello would demand I let him go out when he woke up, and I couldn't let that happen. Not when he was already sick.

My gloves soaked through quickly, and it didn't take long for my fingers to ache with pain from being so cold. I neared the approximate area he'd tackled me and continued searching. The snow had sunk through my jeans and though I couldn't feel it, my legs were probably absolutely freezing. I let out a short breath and continued looking.

It was darker now. I'd probably been outside almost an hour searching. Finally my fingers encountered beads and I pulled the rosary from the snow. It was wet, but otherwise unharmed, and I put it in my pocket and hurried inside.

I moved towards our room quickly, discarding the gloves and hat when I got inside the room. The jacket quickly followed and I stood still a minute, basking in the warmth. Heat was an ingenious thing.

Mello was still sleeping and I removed his rosary from my pocket. I glanced at the clock, seeing it was just past six. I was going to just put the rosary on his table but he shifted, turning lazy eyes towards me. He stared a moment, slowly waking up.

"Matt?"

I moved closer. "Hey Mello."

"What are you…?" he trailed off when he saw the rosary and looked up at my face. "When did you find it? Where was it?"

I handed it to him and he took it delicately, inspecting it for any damage. "I just found it. It was outside, near the tree."

"You shouldn't have gone looking for it Matt. It's freezing out there," Mello chastised gently.

I shrugged. "It's okay."

Mello placed the rosary around his neck then slowly reached out, taking my hand. His eyes widened. "Matt _you're_ freezing! How long were you out there?" he asked. I didn't answer and he glared. "You're going to get yourself sick! What's wrong with you?" His voice grew hoarse and he started coughing.

"I'm fine Mello. Really. It's not like last time. I wasn't out there more than an hour, I promise," I told him, pulling back and moving to my dresser. I pulled out a baggy striped shirt and a pair of sweatpants, figuring they'd be warmer. I changed quickly, ignoring Mello's eyes following me, then moved back towards him. I was shivering slightly still, and motioned for him to move over. "If you're worried let me lie down and warm up."

"Are you crazy?" he asked, clutching the blankets around him. "I'll spread my pathogens to you and then you'll get sick too!"

"But you're hot, and I'm cold," I reasoned. "I'll be your ice pack and you can be my heater."

"That's stupid," he said.

I sighed. "Come on Mello. I don't care, really. And you'll be warmer than my bed. Please?"

Any other day he would have argued, but he just moved aside, shaking his head slightly. "Honestly Matt, your lack of concern about your own well-being is worrying." He said it sarcastically, but I could sense an undercurrent of concern there. I just crawled in beside him, pulling the blankets up. It was a lot warmer.

"Mello you're so warm. How bad is your fever?" I asked.

"You're just cold idiot. I barely even have a fever," he said, scooting closer. I shrugged and leaned against him. My heart raced a little when his arms came around me. "It won't be my fault if you get sick."

"I know."

"Because I warned you. I told you not to stay here with me when I was sick."

"I know Mello."

"I won't feel guilty if you get sick either," he insisted.

I smiled. "I know that."

"I really won't."

"Okay."

He huffed slightly then fell silent. I wasn't actually tired yet, since it wasn't even seven. I warmed up quickly then glanced at Mello. He was still awake too and I shifted, sitting up. I moved across the room to retrieve my DS, and then sat beside him, propped up against the pillows. "Get some sleep Mello."

"Your stupid game is going to keep me up," he muttered, but closed his eyes anyway. I just smiled and loaded my game.

He fell asleep mere minutes after the music started. I guess it didn't bother him that much after all.

/…/…/…/

**AN: And here you go, another chapter. I don't have much else to say haha. I DID get my badge for Acen though! I can't wait. Just a month and a half away!**

**Now, credit to .Angel. I'd planned out something similar to this, but not Mello losing his rosary. I loved the idea/suggestion so I used it. Thanks again.**

**See you next chapter!**


	4. Someone to Hold Me

**AN: This story may be the reason I don't understand chemistry. The pain of an author is that when you need to write, you NEED to write, no matter what you're doing at the time. I wrote this chapter over the past couple days during several classes, during some of my favorite TV shows, and wrote this instead of doing homework. I am very happy with the result though, so here you go.**

/…/…/…/

Chapter 4: Someone to Hold Me

"Mello I don't feel well."

"I warned you."

"Ugh. Could you pass me the tissues?"

"I told you I wouldn't take care of you."

I groaned, coughing immediately afterwards and turning over in my bed, burying my face in the pillows. The coughing finally subsided, but it left my throat sore.

I felt a hand stroke my hair gently. "Here, have some water."

I turned my head to the side, looking up at him. His hand moved from my hair to feel my forehead. His hand was cool and I leaned into his touch. He frowned. "You're warm. I think you may have a small fever."

I sat up, accepting the water from him. "It's just a cold; the same thing you had," I said, taking a drink and putting the water on the bedside table.

He sighed and moved across the room, returning moments later with the tissues and garbage can. He placed both near me then sat at the desk, pulling out homework that was due Monday.

I laid back in bed, sniffling and wondering for the briefest moments what I had been thinking. Being sick was awful. I felt a sneeze coming on and scrambled for a tissue.

"If you're sneezing it means the cold is leaving your system. Embrace the sneezing Matt." I could hear the smirk in his voice.

I threw my pillow at him. "Shut up."

He just chuckled. I glared, and then let my gaze travel to the pillow. It was a comfortable pillow. The other pillow on the bed wasn't as soft… "Mello could you pass me the pillow?"

"You throw it at me then expect me to give it back?" he asked incredulously. I gave him my best pathetic look and he sighed, bending down to retrieve the pillow. He tossed it to me and I sent him a smile.

I dozed off for a little while, and when I woke up I felt a bit better. I yawned and turned towards the desk, where Mello was still studying. I rolled my eyes and reached for my DS, turning it on and loading my game. I needed something to distract me from being sick.

A knock came at our door an hour later. "What?" Mello barked, and I couldn't help but laugh at Roger's disapproving expression when he entered the room.

I didn't have anything against Roger. He was a nice enough guy, and he cared about people here to an extent, but he wasn't very fond of the younger children. He gave our messy room another disapproving glance then closed the door behind him. "Boys I would like to talk with you in my office."

Mello scoffed. "You're here already, why not talk now?"

"The matter is somewhat…personal. I'd rather speak with each of you individually, that is, if you choose to accept the information."

Mello's eyes narrowed. "What is this about exactly?"

Roger cleared his throat. "There has been a recent development with one of your parents, so I thought I would offer to give you the news again."

About a month after we moved here Roger had called us in and offered to tell us what had become of our parents. Neither of us had accepted. I'm sure Mello just didn't want to know, and really I hadn't wanted to know either. I hadn't wanted to think about it anymore.

But Roger looked serious, and I glanced at Mello. I kind of wanted to just know so I could get it over with. I wouldn't have to wonder about it anymore if I just found out. After all it couldn't be all that bad.

Mello met my eyes. We studied each other a moment then he turned to Roger. "Okay we'll listen."

Roger nodded. "Excellent. Now Mello if you'd like to come first-"

"Matt can come with," he interrupted. Roger looked like he might protest but then just sighed and nodded, motioning for us to follow him. I stood and followed Mello out the door and down the hall. It didn't take long to reach his office and we went inside, sitting down in front of Roger's desk. Roger had two files sitting on his desk, and he sat down, opening one of them.

"Let's start with Mello shall we?" he asked. Neither of us answered. "Your father is the reason for my asking." Roger flipped through a couple pages then looked up. "He hasn't been involved in any major criminal activities since you came here. He was never prosecuted for murder because your mother's body was never located. Several weeks ago your father was at a bar. He got into an argument with a group of patrons and a fight broke out. He was killed during this fight."

Mello looked as calm as ever, and didn't even flinch when Roger delivered the news. Seeing this, Roger continued. "A gun was pulled out during the fight. There were several people wounded, and two killed."

Mello just nodded. He didn't ask any other questions, simply accepted it. Roger closed the file and opened the second one, turning his eyes to me.

I was nervous…I wasn't so sure I wanted to know anymore. What if it was better I didn't know? Did I really want to drag all this stuff back into the open again? It was too late though, because Roger had already started talking.

"Your father is in prison. After you came here he was investigated. Your mother was found dead, buried outside the house. It was not difficult to locate her body." My hands clenched. So he had killed her then. "Autopsy could not identify the exact cause of death. She had numerous injuries, including a broken bone. One wound in particular though indicates the possibility of suicide." He paused for a moment, and I just nodded, not trusting myself to speak. "We have great influence however, and he was found guilty of murder. I cannot stress enough though that we are not completely sure of this. Either way your father will be in prison for a long time."

"When…" my voice was trembling slightly and I cleared it. "When did they estimate the time of death was?"

Roger shook his head. "Again we can't be entirely sure, but it was estimated to be near the end of January, or the beginning of February. Her body had started to-"

"That's enough!" Mello snapped. I looked up from where my eyes had fallen to the floor. He had stood, feet planted firmly on the floor and facing Roger. Roger just studied him a moment before nodding.

"Very well. You are free to go."

I stood, following Mello out of the room. I wasn't moving fast enough for him though, because he grabbed my sleeve and pulled me along.

I couldn't get the image out of my head. Roger had said there had been many injuries…so instead of fighting with her and taking his anger out on me, he had taken it out on her. And in the end he'd either killed her, or she had killed herself. How badly hurt did she have to be that they couldn't decipher a cause of death?

Then again maybe Roger had been sparing me some of the details.

When we reached the room Mello didn't seem to know what to do with himself. I certainly didn't. Over the past years I had started thinking about my past less and less. Sure I'd think about it some, it was impossible not to. I knew it had still affected me and had an impact on the type of person I was today, but the memories hadn't been on the front of my mind. That had been reserved for games, my grades, and my feelings for Mello.

I'd rather contemplate my feelings for Mello all day than have to think about this again for one minute. It was over, it was done. I was safe from him, from her, from all of that. I should be grateful. I shouldn't keep wallowing in the past about it.

I was getting a headache. Head pounding, I walked to the bed and sat down. Mello was still pacing the room, muttering to himself. I wasn't paying much attention…I couldn't deal with whatever he was on about right now. Memories of life before Mello kept flashing through my mind, and new images now, of what had happened when I left.

Was it my fault she was dead?

It certainly seemed so.

But I had no reason to feel guilty. It wasn't like she was a victim; she had pushed me around just like he had.

Mello finally stopped and turned towards me. He took a deep breath then sat at the desk, pulling out his book. "Sleep," he said quietly. "You're still sick, and it's early evening anyway. Recover your strength."

Not wanting to see his reaction if I disobeyed, I got comfortable, pulling the comforters around me. I turned on my side so I was facing him, suddenly realizing how tired I was. Maybe sleep would be helpful. At least then I wouldn't have to think about this anymore.

/…/…/

_Dad was there. He seemed bigger and more imposing than ever, except this time his attention wasn't directed at me, but at my mom. My body was frozen as I watched him hit her repeatedly, but she hadn't fallen yet._

_"You whore! Think you can spend my money?!" A sharp blow sent her to the floor and he began kicking her._

_"It's not my fault," she rasped, blood oozing from a cut on her head. "It's Mail's fault. If I could get my hands on him I'd kill him myself."_

_He left her then, whipping around to face me, but my attention wasn't on him. My mom was standing now, tying up a rope. I couldn't draw my gaze away before she hung herself._

_And then there was a blinding pain against the side of my head. "I'll kill you Mail," he said as blow after blow rained down on me. I fell on my side, curling up as he kicked me. "I know it's your fault I was put in jail. I'll kill you!"_

_"Help!" Tears were burning in my eyes. "Someone please help me!"_

_"There's no one left to help you." I could hear the sneer in his voice. I opened my eyes and my heart stopped. Watari was slumped across the floor. L was staring lifelessly at me. And Mello, my sweet, perfect Mello, was sprawled across the ground, surrounded by a pool of crimson blood, eyes glassy and unseeing._

_"Mello," I whispered. "No…Mello." I lunged to my feet, but I was pulled away from him. My dad's arms wrapped around me, holding me back. "Mello! Please no! How could you?" I strained to reach him but my dad's grip only tightened. "No…please no." My voice broke._

_"And now for the grand finale." He chucked. His hands were around my neck, but I could still feel pressure around my chest, keeping me in place. I couldn't breathe, and all I could see was Mello's lifeless eyes staring into mine as the hands shifted on my neck…_

"Matt!"

My eyes snapped open. The room was dark, and I could feel arms around me. I panicked instantly. "Let me go!" I shrieked, pulling desperately away from the arms. I still couldn't escape though. Someone was yelling, but I wasn't listening. I struggled, kicking and scratching, anything I could do to get away. "Help me! Please!" But there was no one to help me. He'd killed everyone. "I'm sorry!" The arms were unrelenting and I couldn't suppress the sob that rose from within me.

"Matt! Matt it's me, it's Mello!"

The voice finally cut through me and I gasped, struggling slowing slightly.

"That's right Matty it's me. You're safe. I have you, its okay."

"Mello." My voice cracked and I turned, desperate to see him. To know it was real, to know he was okay. He was right there, eyes wide and concerned. Hands shaking, I traced his cheeks with my fingertips. "Mello," I whispered again. "You're okay."

"Shh," he murmured, gently pulling me closer. "It's alright."

"He'll know it's because of me. He's going to come after me, and then after you!" My voice was shaking and he pulled me closer. I couldn't breathe, and my throat and eyes were still burning.

The room was dark now, and in the back of my mind I realized Mello must have been lying down ready for bed himself. I took a shuddering breath, trying to get more air in. I could feel several tears on my cheeks. Mello held me a few moments, and then started humming.

It took me a moment to recognize it. It was the Mario theme song, and the thought of Mello humming it was so ludicrous that I quieted almost instantly. He didn't stop yet though, moving onto Zelda right after, and slowly my shoulders, which I hadn't noticed were tense, relaxed. The burning slowly faded and soon it was only me against him. I finally realized the position we were in, the way he was holding me, so intimately. But for once I refused to let that deter me. I didn't want to push away, not this time. Just the thought of it had me clutching tighter.

Mello had fallen silent, but he hadn't let go. "I knew it was a bad idea to let them tell us," he muttered finally. "You're fine though Matt. He's gone, he won't get out. L will be sure of that. Even if he did he'd never find you. Even if somehow he did none of us, not Watari, Roger, L, or especially me, would let him take you away. I promise." He paused. "And don't you dare start thinking that it's your fault that your mom is dead. It wasn't your fault, so don't even consider it."

"Mello…"

"The fever probably just made it worse," he said, continuing as if I hadn't said anything. "You got sick because of me. You went out to find my rosary in the cold, and then I let you stay with me all night. Now you're sick."

"It's not like last time," I told him. "I'm not delusional. It's not a bad fever, I'm fine. It isn't your fault Mello. Please don't blame yourself; it'll only make me feel worse."

"I've never seen you have a nightmare that bad."

I swallowed thickly, letting my hands relax so I didn't have him in a death grip anymore. "I know. All this stuff just got pulled out so suddenly."

"It was supposed to be over," he agreed. "But I don't think someone ever really gets over that."

I nodded, just resting against his chest. After a few minutes he pulled back, sitting up. I sat up, watching him wordlessly. He watched me too, examining me for a few minutes before his hand rested on my forehead, again checking my temperature. "You're sure you're okay right? Do you need anything?"

"Just hold me?" I requested. Mello nodded and laid back down, pulling me close. I snuggled closer, burying my face in the crook of his neck. I just needed to be near him. I needed to be sure he was here with me.

I could afford to be selfish just this once.

/…/…/…/

**AN: Mello just wanted to be comforting in this. It's always weird when the characters just…do stuff you didn't originally intend for them to do…or at least they do it more than you intended. Ironically it was also Mello and Matt screaming at me in my head during chemistry that I better write Mello comforting Matt that instant. (I think I just wanted a reason to not listen in chemistry…intelligent of me since there's a test coming up).**

**ANYWAY thanks for reading. Did you like? See you at the next update!**


	5. Falling For You Over and Over

**AN: Warning, very sappy monologue-ing Matt in this one xD The whole chapter actually is pretty emotion heavy.**

**/…/…/…/**

Chapter 5: Falling Over and Over For You

Mignon McLaughlin once wrote "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." I don't know about that marriage part, but I can completely relate to the second half of it.

Mello is different. He's special. I know I don't have another person to compare my feelings with; Mello's been the only one. And he always will be the only one. People may call my naïve, or say I'm obsessed. Maybe I am, but I'm not fooling myself. I know I could never love anyone the way I love Mello.

I love him more everyday, and the things he does just makes me fall in love with him over and over. Last night when he woke me up, made me feel safe, knew just what to do to comfort me…that was another time I fell further into love. How could another feeling compare to that?

I felt a connection with Mello the moment I met him, though I hadn't know what it was when we originally met. I do remember the feeling…that feeling that he was different, and that he was important. The feeling that drew me to go back, even when it could have gotten me hurt. Logically I hadn't known he wouldn't hurt me when I showed up again, but I had gone anyway. I had no desire not to go.

I think that's as close to love at first sight as one can come. You can't look across a room, meet someone's eyes, and feel the way I do now. That's crap. That's lust, it isn't love. But you can feel a special connection with a person…a strong connection, as if this person has to mean something, and is going to mean something.

I fell fast I suppose. It had been so easy to trust him, especially after he saved me. How could I not love him after he did that? After he had protected me for months while we lived on the streets? I had loved him then; although at the time it hadn't been the way I do now. I don't know if I would have fallen _in_ love with him if it hadn't been for Wammy's. Trying to survive is a big distraction. There's always something on your mind: where are we going to sleep tonight? Is it going to be too cold? Are we going to be able to get any food today? All constant questions, and then we'd had to deal with even worse ones. Are the police onto us? Are they going to catch us? The absolute worse for Mello I think was when I was sick. I've never seen his emotions that raw, except the night he told me about his parents.

My last class of the day had let out half an hour ago, and since then I had been contemplating these feelings. How could I hide them from Mello when every day they got stronger? Even when I thought I couldn't love him more, something happened that made my love grow. Realistically I was sure I couldn't hide this forever. Eventually I'd slip, he'd catch on to the signs, or if he didn't someone else would and they would tell him. That would be the end of our friendship.

It's not as if I don't trust Mello. I'd trust him with my life. But being gay (although I've only ever loved, or even liked one person) wasn't "normal." Mello would see me differently if he knew I was gay. He'd pull away, and the lack of contact would kill me. He may not want to talk to me anymore.

And I can't risk losing him. I have to be satisfied with us being friends. That's the only solution.

The door slammed open suddenly, hitting the wall with a large crash. I jumped, startled, and looked up to see Mello standing on the threshold. He stormed in, slamming the door shut behind him and throwing his books harshly to the ground.

He stood still a minute, then kicked the books and threw himself onto the opposite bed, face pressed firmly into the pillow.

"Mello?" I questioned hesitantly. He growled then fell silent. I watched silently for a minute. "Mello?" I asked again.

"What is it Matt?" He asked finally. He sounded exhausted, and I stood slowly and crossed the room. I sat at the edge of the bed and placed my hand on his shoulder. He said nothing.

"What's wrong?"

He finally turned so his eyes met mine. He looked…defeated, and I instantly knew what this was about.

"Near," he said.

I hated Near. I don't think he means to be a bad person, but he doesn't hold himself back from teasing Mello. Mello works so hard, and he doesn't deserve that.

But mostly I can't stand Near because of what he does to Mello. Nothing upsets Mello like losing to Near. While normally Near just makes him angry, sometimes he makes Mello feel inferior. Once in a while he really breaks Mello down. This looks like one of those times. "Oh Mel," I sighed, climbing onto the bed beside him. He said nothing, and I leaned across him, opening a drawer from the table and handing him a chocolate bar. He took it, ripping it open and taking a quick bite. I stroked his hair gently for several minutes and we sat in silence.

At last he moved, sitting up and looking at me. I leaned back against the wall, legs crossed on the bed so I could fully face him.

"He beat me on another test. Then he had the nerve to rub my face in it," he said bitterly. "He made one of those smartass comments about it, about how if I didn't hang around you so much and studied more I could beat him." His hands were clenched around the blankets tightly, knuckles turning white. "What the fuck does he know? He doesn't have friends. How dare he-" He stopped himself.

"What Mello?" I encouraged him. "What did he say?" It always helped him to talk about it, otherwise it would just build up into a huge meltdown and he'd end up jumping Near in the hall. Life got boring quickly when Mello was in detention all week.

"It's nothing," he muttered, turning away.

This definitely caught my attention. Mello never hesitated to rant about what Near had said to him. "Please Mello? Tell me. What did he say?" I pushed.

"He said…" he paused again, not meeting my eyes. "He said I was wasting my time with you. He said that you were just a distraction." I didn't know what to say to that, and Mello hurried on. "It's not true! None of what he said is! You're third! You're third and he talked about you like you were trash! How dare he call you worthless?!" He was seething now, and he was getting himself worked up about it all over again.

"What did you do?" I asked, not knowing what else to say. What could I do? Defend myself? It sounded like Mello was doing a fine job of that for me.

But that was another reason why I didn't like Near. He looked down on everyone, no matter how intelligent they were. I may not be a real contender in the race for L, but I wasn't _useless._

"I punched him," he said nonchalantly. I just stared at him as he shrugged. He at least seemed proud of that, because he was smirking now. "His nose was bleeding pretty badly. Maybe I broke it. He deserves it."

"Mello you're going to get in trouble," I told him, but couldn't help but smile slightly. The fact that Mello defended me like that made me happy.

"Yeah but you don't care," he said, noticing my smile.

I simply shrugged. "I guess not. I just don't want you in trouble with Roger. He's going to come and get you soon you know?"

Mello's face darkened immediately. He suddenly seemed a lot more closed off. The smile dropped from my face. "Mello? What happened? Did you talk to him already?"

He looked away again. "It's not important."

That automatically meant that is was indeed, very important. I shifted closer, again placing my hand on Mello's shoulder. He shoved it off and stood, moving away from the bed to stand in the middle of the room, his back to me. "Mel…"

The tension in the room was building. His hands were clenched at his side, and his shoulders were hunched and tense. When he spoke, his voice was tight, but tinged with ice. He still didn't turn to face me. "I already talked to Roger." He stopped a moment, but it seemed inappropriate that I interrupt, so I waited. "He decided not to punish me because he thinks I'm just reacting to the news about my dad's death. He said 'I'll give you one warning, because I know you're having a hard time right now and you're dealing with a lot.' That's crap!" He turned abruptly to face me. "It isn't affecting me! I left years ago! I've been done with him for years! I'm glad he's dead! He deserves to be dead!"

"Mello…" I was speechless.

"He hurt me. He hurt me, and he hurt my mom. He didn't just smack me around once in a while, it was every fucking day!" He turned away again and punched the wall hard. He was panting now, frozen with his hand still against the wall. "I hate him," he whispered finally. "He made my life hell. He killed my mom. So why…why should I care that he's dead? Why does it make a difference?"

Slowly I stood, walking towards him and gently pulling his hand back. He gasped slightly, looking up at me. I carefully put an arm around his shoulders, leading him to the bed and sitting. He sat beside me and leaned on my shoulder.

"I still hate him" he insisted. "He deserved it. But I still feel…I don't know. It's like part of me is still kind of upset. I don't understand why." It hurt to see him so confused. "And what makes it worse is that they never found her body. He shouldn't be dead, he should be serving life in prison. It isn't fair. I'm the only one who even knows he ever did anything wrong."

I honestly had no idea what to say to that, so I just kept an arm around him and allowed him to lean on me. We stayed that way for a while before I finally spoke. "Mello…it's not so bad to be upset."

"What?!" He sat up and I winced at the volume at his voice. I still was recovering from my cold and occasional headaches were one of the last things remaining. He calmed instantly when he saw me wince and lowered his voice. "What do you mean?"

"I mean…even if he was horrible to you, he was still your dad. I mean…you don't wish he was alive and you were still living with him do you?" I asked.

"Of course not!"

I nodded. "See? I don't think feeling a little upset is that strange. I mean…" I hesitated, not wanting to make him feel worse. But maybe it was what he needed to hear. "You just found out that you're an orphan. It's official, and it can't be easy to handle."

He looked away. I hated seeing him so insecure. It had always been hard, because Mello was always so strong. I didn't like it when he was hurting.

"I just want to forget about all this. We've moved on with our lives," he said finally. "That part of our lives I over. We just need to overcome it. You and me had to deal with a lot but look at where we are."

I smiled at him. "Yeah. It'll always be there, but it doesn't rule us anymore. It's alright to be upset sometimes, but we've gotten past it."

He looked up at me. "Thank you."

"For what?" I asked.

"For telling me what I needed to hear."

He smiled at me and I could have melted.

He stood and stretched, glancing at the clock. "Do you still have a headache? I can get you something for it if you want."

"Yes, thank you."

The rest of the evening was spent relaxing. My headache finally subsided and for once Mello didn't pull out his books and start to study. When the videogames started hurting my eyes and making my head hurt again, I laid down and closed my eyes. Mello grabbed my newest book I was assigned to read in English and sat beside me. "I'll read it to you. At least it's kind of studying."

I just smiled and listened to him read it aloud. The book was much better when he was reading it to me.

/…/…/…/

**AN: Well Mello had to have some sort of reaction at some point. And guess what? I'm on spring break! Finally! This means I MAY update earlier, but if not at least on my weekly basis. **

**I'm also writing an Easter oneshot xD So you have that randomness to look forward to in the next couple of days. Thanks for reading.**


	6. Holding Back

**AN: Ironically now I'VE gotten sick -_- They're just angry I gave them both colds, Mello more than Matt. He's a vindictive little bitch after all. Whatever, I shall get my revenge xD**

**I didn't even want to write this. When you're sick that's just the way it is. Luckily I ended up feeling better this afternoon so I got this done in time to get out a chapter a week still. In addition I even got to catch up on all the fics that were updated while I was sick.**

**Note: 1984 is a book, we're reading it in English right now. It's rather interesting…I've read ahead of the class quite a bit. Gives me more time to not read when the chapters are assigned so I can not write my research paper and instead write fanfiction xD**

**/…/…/…/**

**Chapter 6: Holding Back**

We didn't speak much on the matter after that. Without words we had both agreed to sort of put it behind us. His dad was dead. There was nothing more to be said…he was officially an orphan. Nothing could ever change that. My dad on the other hand was still alive and being punished for what he had done. I was okay with it. He deserved to be where he was, and once the shock of it wore off, I felt a lot better.

It was nearing May now, and we were getting closer to the end of the academic year. We didn't just have three months of no school work, but classes in the summer weren't as tightly scheduled. Summer counted as a kind of separate semester all its own, and while classes were required, you only had to take several. Mello would surely take plenty to fill his time, but I was content with just a few computer courses and no English thank you very much.

We'd just gotten back our last test before finals in my favorite computer course and I'd gotten a hundred percent. I had to say I was proud of it. I was good with numbers and technology though, so I wasn't very surprised.

I was worried for Mello though. Any day now class ranks would be posted. He'd probably be a few points behind Near and he'd kill himself studying for finals to try and pass him up.

I hated exam time because of how it affected Mello. Although he studied a lot, he didn't neglect himself. He'd eat and sleep, spend time with me and relax, but at exam time he'd start killing himself. Exams were in just two weeks and as soon as the ranks were posted he would go into study mode.

His study mode scared me, and as of yet I hadn't ever found a way to break him out of it. I'd begged with him, offered chocolate if he'd take a break, and even threatened him. He'd merely scoffed at the last one, because really what was I going to do to him? I've discovered trying to stop him from studying is pointless.

The first thing to go is free time with me, that's a given. Food and sleep are necessities, but they often suffer. He eats little and sleeps less, all just to try and outperform Near while the little sheep hides in the playroom and builds his towers. I don't think I've seen Near study, although I'm sure he does. I hope Mello believes Near is studying as hard as him. It might break him to learn that his rival barely tries to study for finals.

I'm staring blankly at the computer screen, fingers resting motionless against the keys as I think. I do have a new plan for this years study session. I usually study some with Mello, but this year I'm going to show him what it's like to see him destroy himself. This year I'll stay by his side all day and night. Maybe seeing the effect it has on me will snap him out of it or something.

"What's the matter? Is Big Brother watching?"

I jumped and whirled around to see Mello standing directly behind me, smirking. I rolled my eyes and turned back to the screen. I'd been in the middle of my final paper of the semester when my thoughts had gotten off track. "You never know with Wammy's Mel."

He made a noise of agreement and pulled a chair from the desk to sit beside me, reading over my shoulder. It was distracting and my fingers stilled once again. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. Hoping to distract him from reading my paper, I quickly made a comment. "Do you think it's possible to brainwash the world that completely?"

It worked. Mello looked away from the computer. I watched him a moment, hands quickly typing out a new point for my paper as I waited for his response. "I think so. I mean it took years for it to happen right? It took a long time. Kira kind of did the same thing in an even shorter amount of time."

I paused and looked at him. "You can't compare _1984_ to Kira Mello. They don't relate at all."

"Don't they?" Mello asked. "Kira has effectively brainwashed the people into thinking he is a God, much like Big Brother did. Sure right now the past still exists and we're not constantly watched, but people act like they're always being watched. The world is in a constant state of fear because a wrong move could get you killed by Kira, just like a wrong move could get you wiped from existence if the Thought Police caught you."

"That does make sense," I conceded, putting the finishing touches on a paragraph and moving onto the next one. "But Kira is only crazy about people being good and not going against him. _1984_ was all about eliminating thought. If we had lived in that world we would have been killed for being too intelligent."

Mello shrugged. "You didn't ask me to relate the entire book to the world of today, just if I thought the world could be brainwashed."

"But to that extent?" I asked. "How could people just blindly follow that when it was so obvious what was happening?"

"People are idiotic," he commented nonchalantly. "Since the majority of people are idiotic we would have been part of the Brotherhood, the only intelligent beings in that series."

"Would we get our orders from L?"

"L would be Goldstein."

"Ah of course." I smiled and he smiled back, prompting me to turn back to the computer screen. The paper was due Monday and I wanted to get it out of the way so I could deal with Mello's reaction to the ranks being posted over the weekend.

I shivered slightly at the breeze coming through the open window. It had been warm and sunny most of the day, but now grey clouds had covered the sky, a sure sign of impending rain, or perhaps a small thunderstorm. I kind of hoped there would be a storm; we hadn't had any yet this year.

With the clouds the temperature had cooled dramatically. I gazed out the window a moment before going back to my paper. Mello sat silently beside me, finishing off a chocolate bar. It didn't take much longer for me to finish and save the document. By the time I had it had started to rain softly outside.

Mello tossed the wrapped over his shoulder carelessly and leaned passed me, watching the rain fall. A soft rumble of thunder came from outside and I smiled. We sat there a while, watching the rain. I soon grew bored and crossed the room to the TV to play a game. Mello had taken over the computer to work on his own homework.

It was just another night.

I went to bed before him, although he promised not to stay up all night waiting to see the ranks posted in the morning. I wasn't sure if I trusted him, but I was tired and went to bed anyway.

But when I woke up…that was when the real trouble began.

He wasn't there when I woke up, and I blearily turned towards the clock to see it was six AM. That meant the scores were just being posted, so I wasn't surprised that he was gone. I was kind of surprised I'd woken up though. I rolled over, intending to go back to sleep, when I heard people running past the door.

This wasn't a rare occurrence, but with the footsteps came hushed whispers. I didn't hear what they said, but another pair of footsteps moved quickly several minutes later, followed by more and then more whispers.

"I can't believe he did it."

"He's going to kill him, he'll be so angry."

"But they're friends."

"It doesn't mat-"

The voices suddenly cut off and the footsteps grew more frantic. I was sitting up by now, staring towards the door. What was going on?

I could identify Mello's steps now, noticeable by the stomping…but they sounded even louder than usual, more angry. I tensed as the door slammed open, hitting the wall hard. I was faced with the worst glare Mello has ever given me and he slammed the door shut behind him.

He stalked towards me and I couldn't move. I couldn't speak…I couldn't do anything with that fierce glare directed at me. Before I knew it he was in front of me and I could tell he wasn't about to keep his temper in check. His hands were suddenly on my shoulders and I tried to pull away but his fingers tightened. I winced and looked back up at him. "Mello what are you-"

"How could you?!" he screeched, and I couldn't help but flinch back. "I can't believe you! You know how important this is to me! Have you been holding back?! Is that it?! You just felt sorry for me?!"

I honestly had no idea what he was talking about and he let go, turning to kick over a pile of books. Hr growled and picked one up, throwing it hard across the room. It hit the edge of the desk and I couldn't help but wince at the sound of breaking glass as something fell from the shelf. The scene was too familiar to home experiences; although it was obvious Mello was making a conscious effort not to actually hurt me.

"Mello what did I…what did I do?" I questioned weakly, back against the wall and crouched on the bed. Mello was breathing hard and he was really scaring me…I couldn't remember him being so angry with me before, and I didn't even know what I had done! He turned towards me then, and I could see him clenching his teeth and hands, hard.

"You," his tone was tense and strained with every word. "The ranks…you fucking passed me. You're fucking second!" The words simply enraged him again and he kicked the other bed to get out some frustration.

Those words made me freeze inside though. I had beaten him? I was second? But that just wasn't possible! Sure Mello and I were close in rankings, but I never passed him up!

He was so angry. What if he didn't want to be around me anymore? Was I just an obstacle to get passed now? Another rival? Desperate, I scooted forward. "Mello there must be a mistake. I can't be second. I'm not smarter than you."

"Explain that to the board Matt!"

"I…" I didn't know what to say, or how to fix this. There was nothing I could say to fix this.

"Just get out," he growled finally. "You have no idea how angry I am right now Matt. Just get out before I do something I'll regret." I shuddered but stood, quickly tossing on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I didn't bother grabbing my jacket…it was sitting next to Mello, and I quickly left the room, retreating into the hall.

Normally everyone didn't gather at six to see the ranks, but word of Mello dropping a spot had spread quickly. People stared as I passed, whispering as they saw me approach. Everyone was staring me and I quickly left the building, going outside.

It was chilly and cloudy this morning, and no one else was out. I couldn't stand to be surrounded by everyone's stares any longer. I collapsed under a tree Mello and I frequented often, away from prying eyes.

So right now I was…second?

The thought was so wrong. It just didn't seem realistic. How could I have beaten Mello? Our scores sometimes got really close, but so did his and Near's. Why did I have to pass him? I was perfectly happy with my position as third.

It's not that I slacked off all that much, I really did earn my grades. Sure I could study more but I wasn't motivated enough for that, I'd rather play my games. What was scary was…what if I studied as hard as Mello? Could I pass him? What would Mello do if I passed him permanently?

My heart sunk when I thought about it. Mello and I had been through a lot, but I wasn't sure if he could handle it.

I shivered slightly in the chilly breeze, wrapping my arms around myself. I didn't dare to venture back inside yet. I couldn't handle being the center of attention like that. And Mello…

Mello had obviously been holding back. If we hadn't shared such a similar past I don't know what he would have done. At least he hadn't been too far gone to actually try and hurt me or something. He'd honestly really scared me in there.

I sat outside a while, not daring to go back in. A couple people came out and looked at me, but no one came any closer. Maybe they felt sorry for me. My stomach growled, reminding me I hadn't eaten yet that morning, but frankly I had no real desire to move. It felt safer to just sit here like this under the tree and hope it was all some terrible nightmare.

I must have been really out of it, because I didn't notice him until he was beside me. I jumped when he appeared, not quite sure how to react. He said nothing, just sat down next to me, staring at the ground. I didn't say anything either, looking away and towards the grass. He must have sought me out for a reason, so all I could do was sit and wait for it.

"I'm sorry I was so angry."

What?

I looked at him then, but he didn't turn to face me. "I didn't have a right to react that way."

"S-sure you did Mel."

"No I didn't!" he snapped, and I flinched. His eyes softened and he looked away again. "See? I saw it in your eyes Matt. You were scared of me."

I wasn't-"

"Don't lie to me!" he finally turned back towards me. "I can tell you're scared _now_! You're hesitating and cautious. I saw how you cringed away from me earlier. You thought I was going to hurt you and I could have. I wanted to…after I promised to keep you safe I wanted to hurt you."

"But you didn't," I whispered. "It's okay, you didn't hurt me."

"But I might have, if you hadn't listened to me and left," he said softly, voice full of shame. I hesitated a moment and slowly reached out, touching his shoulder. He didn't move so I scooted closer, carefully embracing him, hoping he wouldn't snap. He didn't, instead leaning against me. "You are intelligent Matt, and it wasn't fair of me to be angry with you for it."

"But you still are."

"I know."

Neither of us said anything for a while. I shivered again at a gust of wind and Mello pulled away, taking off his jacket and handing it to me. I accepted it wordlessly and put it on.

I don't know how long we sat there before Mello stood, offering a hand to help me up. We went back to our room silently, ignoring the stares on the way. Mello was a lot calmer now. He was angry, sure, but he was calm.

We didn't speak the rest of the afternoon. I played my DS with the volume muted and Mello finished his paper.

There was a knock on the door near dinner. I glanced at Mello who made no move to answer, so told the knocker to come in. Roger peered in, eyes traveling up and down me (I assumed to make sure I was still in one piece) before settling on Mello. "The rankings have just changed again," he said when it was apparent no one was going to speak.

Mello stiffened and we both turned to look at him. Roger closed the door behind him but didn't move farther in. "Mello, your calculus teacher hadn't submitted one of your test grades in. The test raised your percent in the class. You are once again second. Not by a lot mind you, but you can check the board if you wish." He turned and exited the room, leaving us in silence once more. I glanced at Mello, but I couldn't read his expression.

"Natural order restored?" I asked, trying to make light of the situation. He sighed, shoulders relaxing. He then turned to me and I could tell he felt a lot better now that he was back in second. He smiled and I smiled back.

Even if I could beat out Mello, I would never try.

I never wanted him to be that angry with me again.

/…/…/…/

**AN: See that Mello? I made you THIRD! Take that!**

**It still sucks that I've been sick almost all break. If the stupid virus hadn't settled in my chest I'd be perfectly healthy right now. Unfortunately it did so I am now on antibiotics while constantly coughing my raspy cough. But I feel much better today than yesterday, so it's alright.**

**I was a bit stuck when I started this, but the chapter ended up writing itself. I really enjoyed writing Mello holding himself back after he was the rank change. I hope you guys all liked it.**


	7. My Number One

**AN: I'm no longer sick! I'm glad, I hate being sick. A note on updates: Don't be surprised if I miss my normal weekend deadlines, updates may be a bit slower until summer vacation. My weekends are pretty packed, starting next weekend with prom, then Acen, then going out of town. Plus now I'm finishing up cosplay and just got my research paper in English, which if I don't do, will make me fail the quarter and put me in danger of not graduating (yes it's worth THAT many points, which is so unfair). So yeah, especially the weekend of the 7****th****-10****th**** of May, since I'm leaving for Acen Thursday right after school. But enough rambling, here is the next chapter.**

/…/…/…/

Chapter 7: My Number One

The mistake on the teachers part did not bode well for study week.

Mello was worse than normal as exams drew closer. I think his fall to third scared him, because he studied longer and harder after that. Sure exams were notorious for being tough, but this was ridiculous.

I went to bed before him, and when I woke he was still studying. Mello had assured me he slept some during the night, but I hadn't believed him. I pretended to sleep one night and stayed up, watching him. He did sleep, but only for two hours tops, and then he was up again studying.

He didn't go to meals. He might not have eaten at all if I didn't sneak food up to him. I couldn't get full meals up, but grabbing fruit and the like was really easy. I almost tried to take his chocolate from him, but he looked so lost and heartbroken without it that I gave it back right away.

On a normal day he might have gotten angry with me, but when he was exhausted the way he was for a moment I had been afraid he'd burst into tears. It had been a terrifying moment.

The past week had not been fun. Mello looked worse every day. He began to lose his color, and I had to coax food into his mouth. I hated seeing him like this. It made me sick. What made it worse was that he was even worse than normal, all because I had been second for a while.

He wasn't angry, now that he was second again. Surprisingly, I think he would have forgiven me for beating him. Things wouldn't have been the same though, and he'd be studying like this all the time and not just on occasion.

I had decided to follow through with my plan on staying up with Mello. It had been about two days now, and Mello hasn't slept at all. Because of that, I haven't slept either. I hadn't gone to meals, but I did go down to get us some apples.

I don't know how he does it. My head is pounding and feels leaded and heavy. My eyes are sore from the combination of videogames and studying (I did have finals too after all). Plus I was pretty hungry, since I haven't had a full meal in two days. I had gotten used to three meals a day, my body did not like to revert back to my street days.

It was midnight now, and both of us were on the bed. I had a textbook beside me, but I wasn't reading it. My eyes just couldn't handle it anymore. The light was off, and Mello was studying by the light of the desk lamp. He had books and notes spread all across the bed, making me curl up in a small unoccupied space. Luckily I had the wall to lean against; otherwise I might just fall over.

He was mumbling words from the book to himself as he read and I sighed, letting my eyes slip shut. They just needed to rest for a minute.

I had tried to embrace Mello's lifestyle the best I could, and I had studied more in the past two days than I normally did for exams at all. I don't know how Mello does it. He'd been doing this for a week and I couldn't even do it for two days!

I had tried coaxing him to rest, but he had either ignored me or snapped at me. I had opted to just keep a close eye on him for a couple days before trying again.

I was so tired though…I just wanted to rest. But I really should open my eyes. Now that they were closed though, I really didn't want to open them…

I didn't sleep very long…I wasn't actually in the most comfortable position propped up against the wall. When my eyes opened I was still propped up, but I was covered with a blanket. I shifted, squinting as the light from the desk lamp assaulted my eyes. Mello was still bent over his notes, and I looked at the clock to see roughly an hour had passed. This was getting ridiculous. Mello was really going to hurt himself and I refused to let that happen.

"Mello go to bed," I demanded, the affect somewhat lost by how mumbled and sleepy my words sounded. I pushed myself into a sitting position and glared at him until he looked up.

"I don't have time to sleep," he said simply before looking back down to his notes. I growled and reached forward, ripping them from his hands. His eyes hardened as he looked up at me. "Give them back." His voice was dangerously low, but I refused to be deterred.

"No."

He launched himself at me, but I dodged around him fairly easily. It was a testament to how tired he was that he barely caught himself on the wall. "Matt, give them. I need to study. Exams are in like, two days."

"Exactly!" I snapped. "You need rest! You've been pushing yourself for the past week! You're exhausted! You can't keep this up or you're going to make yourself sick and crash! Then you won't have any chance at beating Near!"

"I'm fine," he insisted. "Just let me study."

"You can't be feeling fine because _I'm_ not feeling fine, and I've at least gotten a couple hours of sleep in the past few nights! You're barely eating or sleeping. It's scaring me Mel," I admitted. "It's really scaring me. Don't even worry about your rank, I'm not going to pass you-"

"Don't you dare," he interrupted savagely, "sabotage your scores for me. Promise me you won't."

I sighed. "Mello I won't, but I'm not going to stay up studying like you are. I've tried following your pattern for the past two days and I'm totally run down."

Mello's face morphed briefly into a strange expression, but before I could place it, it was gone. "You just aren't used to it. I am."

"No! You just work yourself into a frenzy and don't realize how bad it's affecting you! I know you've eaten and slept less than I have, and I feel like I'm about to collapse," I told him. "You may feel fine but you're not."

Mello shook his head vehemently. "I am fine Matt. If you're feeling that bad then go to bed. You rest, but I don't have to. I'm fine."

Frustrated, I lurched forward, ready to physically shake some sense into him, but I was overcome by a sudden moment of lightheadedness and braced a hand against the wall besides Mello, closing my eyes a moment until it passed.

"Matt?" It was the first time in days I'd heard him use a tone of voice besides angry or focused. The dizziness passed a moment later and I opened my eyes to see Mello leaning towards me. He was really seeing me for the first time in a week, and I was relieved. "Are you okay? Just sleep, you need it."

I shook my head. "Not as much as you do."

He looked less sure of himself now, so I latched onto it. This could be my only chance to get him to take a break. "Matt, I told you I feel fine." He was slipping though, because I could hear the exhaustion slipping into his voice.

"I don't care. I'm not sleeping unless you do."

"Dammit Matt!" He was starting to look frustrated. Good. "I've told you before not to put me before yourself. It's not right. Now move over there and go to bed, you need to sleep. Have you even eaten dinner?" I shook my head and he scowled. "Then go get breakfast as soon as you wake up."

He didn't realize how hypocritical he was being. I knew he hadn't eaten a full meal in a week. I knew he hadn't gotten more than an hour or two of sleep every couple of days. I could see the circles under his eyes, and I could see his hands shaking. I could see how he was continuing to keep himself propped up against the wall; almost as if he got even a little comfortable he would pass out.

I could see all of it, and it scared me.

Mello has been thin since I met him, and still was after years of living here, but now in addition he was pale and his face seemed drawn. I had tried everything to get him to rest, but his stupid obsession with Near was going to kill him if he kept this up.

"Mello," I said, voice firm. He just watched me expectantly. "You're not seeing yourself. However bad I look or feel, it's nothing compared to how you look."

"You look like you need to rest. Just go to sleep Matt. I'll be fine."

"I told you I'm not going to bed until you do! I swear to God Mello I will sit here with you until you sleep. I'll eat when you do and sleep when you do, but I refuse to go take care of myself and let you get yourself hurt. You're eating like we did on the streets, and sleeping even less."

"This isn't the same," he protested. "This isn't the streets. Exams are starting in…actually it's only one day now. I won't be studying like this much longer."

I shook my head. "That's a lie. You'll spend the entire exam week studying between exams too. You need a break. You're so intelligent already Mello, you don't need to keep pushing yourself." The sternness in my voice had fallen away, and now I just felt helpless. It was killing me to watch him do this to himself. Near wasn't worth this. Nothing was worth this.

Mello looked almost defenseless, and I almost wished I had let him keep studying. If I had he wouldn't look as exhausted, or so defeated. Mello looked away from me, instead staring down at the sheets. When he spoke again his voice was almost a whisper. "I have to beat him Matty. I have to be the best."

I sighed. "Mello you are the best."

He protested instantly, like I knew he would, but I interrupted him. "Mello, to me you are the best. There's no comparison. L rescued us; do you think he wants you to kill yourself to be the best? There's more to life than beating Near."

"I-I know," he said.

Finally I had gotten through to him. I was so close now to getting him to take a break. I just had to be a little more convincing and everything would be okay.

"Please Mello?" I asked. "I know you could keep going, but I'm not leaving you up by yourself. I'm so tired." I was actually pretty tired. My head felt heavy and my eyes were straining to stay open. I knew I couldn't keep up with Mello if my last bit of manipulation didn't work. This all depended on him being too tired to realize that I wouldn't actually be able to stay up all day again with him. "I don't feel well at all…" I let my voice taper off and made a show of leaning against the wall.

His eyes softened and I knew that I had won. I didn't let it show though; instead I allowed my features to slip even more. The worse I looked, the quicker he would rest.

He looked once more at the study materials and sighed, crawling across the bed and standing. He looked unsteady but didn't fall, and I stood up beside him and allowed him to lead me to the uncluttered bed. We both crawled in, not before he turned off the light. We just faced each other for a few moments, not saying anything. Already he looked like he could fall asleep in an instant, but I couldn't allow myself to sleep yet. I had to be sure.

"Sleep Matt," he said, yawning.

"You first," I told him gently.

He mumbled something to himself that I didn't catch, but closed his eyes. He was asleep within two minutes, and I looked at him sadly.

He didn't need to push himself like this. He deserved to truly be number one. He cared so much and tried so hard, but he always came up short. It made me so angry.

Near was intelligent, of course he was. But he didn't have the same drive, or the same passion. He wasn't willing to act, not the way Mello is. He wouldn't put himself in physical danger for a case, and he wouldn't care about the clients, only about the puzzle. Mello had emotions, he felt. He loved, he hurt, he got scared, and he could express it. He could express all of it.

If it was up to me, there wouldn't be a competition. There would be no contest.

Mello far surpassed Near. Near may naturally be more intelligent, but Mello was better. Mello was more deserving. The proof showed best during exam time, when he pushed himself the hardest.

To me, Mello should be number one. To me he _was_ number one.

Everyone should know that.

I'd give everything for just Mello to know it.

/…/…/…/

**AN: For a while these two wouldn't let me write them at all. They were like "No. We're done letting you mess with us. Go get a life." Once I got a rhythm they gave in, and the result is this. See how Matt's wellbeing is the only thing making Mello stop? I love these two so much.**


	8. What's Most Important

**AN: Hey guys! I managed to update this! Yay! Anyway I must warn you now don't expect an update this week. Tomorrow is prom and Sunday I need to do my research for the research paper. We're supposed to turn in note cards with ALL our research Monday…I haven't…started…xD So YEAH. Anyway I'm leaving for Acen Thursday night (anyone going?) and normally I work on typing up/writing GA between Thursday and Sunday, and I won't be back until Sunday afternoon. Even then I'll be on an Acen high. Probably no update for about two weeks then. Sorry. Anyway after that long rant, onto the next chapter.**

**Edit: I just found out Warner Brothers got rights to make a live action version of Death Note. Oh boy, this'll be interesting. Keep new DN stuff coming though, so the obsession never dies!**

**/…/…/…/**

Chapter 8: What's Most Important

Much to my relief, the rest of exam week passed smoothly. Mello still obsessed over his studies, but he did stop to sleep and eat. I was glad. Results weren't being posted until later tonight, and Mello was full of nervous energy. He was currently pacing across our room, worrying his bottom lip and mumbling to himself.

Poor Mello. He was going to stress himself out until we got the results. What was worse was that Near would do better than him and then Mello would be upset for days.

I hated having this same routine every year. I hated watching him kill himself studying. I hated watching him pace waiting for the results. I hated watching the inevitable panic set in as the time for the results got closer. I hated how he acted as if his was his life, as if it was the only important thing. Beat Near, become L, beat Near, become the next L. There had to be more to life than just that.

"Mello let's go outside."

"What?" he asked, pausing mid-step to look at me. He seemed caught off guard; as if he was so buried in thoughts he had forgotten I was even in the room. He probably had been.

"It's really nice out. Let's go outside. We've been inside for the past two weeks."

He just stared at me like I was completely incompetent. "So?" he asked.

I rolled my eyes and stood from the bed, stuffing my DS in my pocket and moving towards Mello. I grabbed his wrist and dragged him towards the door.

"Matt I don't want to go outside," he protested, pulling back weakly but quickly giving in. I led him down the halls until we got outside, stopping on the lawn and gazing around.

"See Mello? Isn't it nice?"

"Yeah…you can let go now you know."

I dropped his hand instantly, cheeks heating as I stepped away. He shot me a strange look but said nothing, instead stalking towards our usual tree. Embarrassed beyond words, I simply followed, climbing up the tree behind Mello and taking care not to look up. Mello sat on a branch then moved over, giving me room to scramble up. The branch below me was just out of reach of my feet, so I held onto a nearby branch to keep my balance. Mello stared blankly across the lawn.

I looked away. I was hoping to distract him, but what had I expected? I didn't know how to distract him from this. Not from waiting for results. We would be getting them in a few hours. If Mello dwelled on it though he would just get more and more strung up.

It would make the explosion afterwards even worse.

It's not as if I don't have faith in Mello. Of course I do. He's a genius. He's intelligent and determined, but Near is smarter than him. Not by much, but by enough. Honestly Mello probably wouldn't ever beat Near. Maybe occasionally on a test, but he would never be number one overall.

Not without killing himself at least. I think if he studied the way he did constantly over exam week he could build his grades just enough, but it wouldn't be worth it. He'd make himself sick and kill himself.

I'd like to think that maybe other things are more important to him. Other hobbies. Other people.

I don't really get my hopes up though.

I hope someday I can break him of this obsession, but I'm not holding my breath.

"Do you think I'll beat him Matt?" he asked distantly, voice void of any emotion. It made me cringe. I couldn't answer that question honestly, and I hated when he got that tone of voice. I hated when he obsessed like this.

"Mello seriously, stop stressing out. The rankings don't mean everything."

"You don't understand," he said.

"How can I not understand?!" I asked incredulously. "L saved us both! We both came here from the same place! We both have a similar story! You don't see _me_ constantly freaking out over being the best!"

"I need to pay him back. He gave us so much-"

"That doesn't mean we stop living Mel!" I interrupted. "That doesn't mean we throw our lives away trying to be a person we're not! You're not L! You're Mello! You don't need to prove anything!"

"Yes I do," he insisted.

I shook my head fervently. "No, you don't. Everyone here knows you're intelligent. L knows it too, or you wouldn't be here. Near even knows it, but he doesn't acknowledge anything. Being the best isn't everything."

"I'm just a loser if I don't win."

"Mihael!" He jumped and looked at me then, startled. We didn't use real names often, and I don't think we ever have in anger. I took a deep breath to calm myself down. I didn't want to fight with him. I just hated this inferiority complex that had been forming since we got here. "You are not a loser. There's more to life than being L. You still have your own life, with your own dreams and aspirations."

"Being L _is_ my dream Matt."

"You're being ridiculous!" I shouted, exasperated. Not really thinking about it, I leaned forward, closer to Mello. What I forgot in that moment however, was that we were still sitting in the tree.

I realized a second too late that letting go of the only thing keeping me stable was not such a good idea, and before I could stop it I lost my balance and fell. I just had time to get my arms and legs under me before I hit the ground.

"Shit! Matt, are you okay?!"

God that really hurt. I had landed on my front, with my arms and shoulder taking the most impact. I lay there stunned, registering the sound of Mello scrambling down the tree.

"Matt? Matt! Are you hurt? Do you need the infirmary?" A hand settled carefully on my shoulder and I could sense him leaning over me. "Matt? Please say something."

"I'm okay," I managed, voice tight. The fall had winded me, but none of the pain was sever enough to suspect anything was broken. Now that the initial pain was beginning to calm, I slowly shifted and sat up. Mello's hand stayed on my shoulder even when I was sitting up in the grass.

"Are you sure? Nothing's broken is it?" he asked.

"No, I don't think anything is broken."

"You're so stupid! Who lets go of the branches when they're sitting in a tree?!" he snapped, hand tightening on my shoulder. I said nothing and he sighed, the anger draining away as fast as it had come. He let go and sat back, a small smile dancing across his features. "I swear if I wasn't around you'd get yourself killed," he joked.

"Probably," I muttered.

He shook his head slightly at the serious tone in my voice. "Matt…" Evidently he didn't know what to say, so he simply leaned back against the trunk of the tree. I shifted again, wincing slightly at the lingering pain. I'd have bruises tomorrow from that. Mello glanced at me again. "You're sure you're okay right?" he asked once more.

I rolled my eyes. "I'm fine Mello. It's just a good thing we didn't climb higher today. It wasn't that far of a fall."

"I suppose not," he admitted. I scooted towards him and leaned against the trunk of the tree. Our arms brushed as we sat shoulder to shoulder. It had always been so normal but now even a simple touch like this had me thinking more deeply about him.

There was no more talk of the tests or the rankings that afternoon. We joked around some then Mello watched me play my DS, refusing to play himself because he knew he would fail epically at it. We stayed there all afternoon until dinner.

The final ranks and exam results were being posted after dinner. Mello and I grabbed our food and sat at our usual table. Mello poked at his good absently. His nerves had returned since we had come inside. I nudged him and he shot me a weak glare before slowly proceeding to eat his food.

"Attention," came a voice from the front of the room. Roger rarely interrupted during meals so everyone grew quiet pretty quickly. "May I have our attention please?" he asked despite that fact that he already had it. "I have a very important announcement." He waited a moment then continued. "As you all know L has been away investigating the Kira case. He has had a main suspect for quite a while now, but no evidence. Last night he found the evidence he needed. Kira has been caught." Deafening cheers filled the room. Roger waited a moment for everyone to calm down. "The suspect has been apprehended. Kira's murder weapon is also confiscated. I cannot tell you any details of the case, but I can tell you that L will be returning in one week's time."

The cheers grew even louder at this. I turned to Mello to see him grinning at me. I smiled with relief. I had worried something might happen to L. Kira was very powerful. He could kill with a name and a face, and L wasn't afraid to put himself in danger if it was a truly intriguing puzzle. If L had died though, I couldn't even imagine what it would do to Mello.

I didn't want to imagine it.

Regardless though, L had won, and Kira was caught. The news had at least momentarily gotten Mello's mind off the upcoming results, and I silently thanked L for his excellent timing.

Dinner passed quickly, excited chatter and theories filling the room. Mello was talking excitedly about how L had promised to catch Kira. I just nodded and listened.

Mello really admired L a lot…but he couldn't…?

No, I was reading too much into this. Mello wasn't gay, and besides he admired L and wished to be like him, not be with him or anything.

I pushed those thoughts away rather easily and held up my part of the conversation for the rest of dinner.

But then results came.

They weren't surprising. The overall ranks hadn't changed. This time however, Mello had gotten closer. Closer than he ever had before.

I think it frustrated him more than excited him though. He paced our room, mumbling about being so close.

I wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him. Couldn't he see it? He _was_ close! Closer than he ever had been! He was closing in! Why couldn't he accept it as the amazing feat it was and move on?

But he never would accept it. Being number one was the most important thing to him. It was stupid to think anything else could replace it.

/…/…/…/

**AN: Matty is angsting again. I didn't mean for him to be angsty, he was just feeling that way today I guess. No matter what I did every few paragraphs he was like "Mello could never like me, all that matters to him is being number one! D: ". It's rather frustrating, since it's so obvious Mello cares about him. These two can be very stupid for geniuses xD**

**It's looking like the climax of the story should be building soon. How exciting. And yes there will be an L appearance.**

**Thanks for reading.**


	9. Homecoming

**AN: I lost my internet during a storm, so even as I write this I don't know when I'll have it back. If this is out really late, that's why guys. Sorry.**

**Acen was amazing, as I knew it would be. The best weekend of the year, and probably one of the best Acen's ever. I met up with a lot of friends I've made at the convention and talked to a lot of people. I also met some amazing Death Note cosplayers. It was a perfect weekend.**

Chapter 9: Homecoming

Mello was ecstatic at the news of L coming back. Now that his initial disappointment of failing to defeat Near had passed, all that was left was excitement for L's reappearance.

We had all been worried about him. The Kira case was very dangerous. As usual though, L had solved the case and was returning to us.

I was glad, but I couldn't help but be a little jealous of him. It was ridiculous, since I monopolized most of Mello's social attention almost all the time, but I couldn't help it. Mello was always so happy to see L, and he was always so eager to prove himself to him. Sometimes I felt like I disappeared when L was around.

Preparations were under way for L's return. L was away pretty often working on cases, so time periods that he was in the house were rare. Plus he had been gone for over a year now, and it was one of the longest times (so I heard at least) that he had been away.

It was two days before L returned and Mello was simply ecstatic. I was glad Mello had gotten passed the whole Near thing for now, but I wished I could have been the one to help him out.

Summer classes were not in session yet. We got two weeks off after finals to relax before we had to sign up for classes. Today we were supposed to pick our new classes for the summer though. I was pretty decided on mine. Only three classes were required during the summer months, with a maximum of five. Even Wammy's recognized they had to give students a break. Or maybe they realized some students would work themselves to death if they could take as many courses as they wanted.

Mello was of course taking five classes, while I had, of course, opted for only three. I was taking a computer programming course only offered in summer. It was supposed to be a hard class to get into but I doubted I would have any problems. I had also opted for an upper psychology course. I wasn't totally decided on my third class yet. Maybe I'd just pick something Mello was taking; as long as it wasn't an English class.

"Mello what classes are you taking?" I asked, not looking up from my DS.

Mello carelessly tossed his course paper in my direction. I paused my DS and scanned it quickly, opting to follow him into languages. French _had_ been on my list of languages to learn. Besides, after having to memorize all those Japanese symbols French should be easy.

"Do you think L will begin the meetings right away?" Mello asked, leaning on the two back legs of the chair and glancing at me. If I wasn't so used to him doing that I would be afraid of him falling backwards and cracking his skull on the floor.

When L returned he held meetings with the top Wammy students. I didn't really talk to anyone else, but if he held meetings with anyone besides us three it wasn't with anyone out of the top ten. L talked to us about our grades, applying ourselves, sometimes sweets if he was in the mood for them. I had always liked my sessions with L well enough. Mello absolutely loved them.

"I don't know," I said shrugging. I returned to my game. "He may want to settle in first. If not the night he gets back he'll probably hold them the next day."

I saw Mello nod absently in my peripheral vision. He was probably already imagining his meeting with L. What did they talk about? The same thing I talked about with L? Or was it different?

It wasn't a written rule, but no one talked about their meetings with L. No one shared what was said there. I didn't think it was a big deal, although I'd only share what we discussed with Mello. Mello had never shared anything about his meetings with me, so I never shared with him.

L had never said anything particularly amazing to me. Both of us knew it was not likely that I would become his successor. I simply was not as intelligent as Mello and Near. Even if I was, I didn't have the motivation like they did. It wasn't all about how intelligent you were, there were many more factors involved. The truth is I didn't want to be the new L. I was perfectly happy just being Matt.

Wammy's was very busy now, preparing for L to come. There was a lot of excited chatter in the halls. L's favorite dishes (consisting entirely of sweets) were beginning to get under way in the kitchens. Roger was running around like a madman, trying to make the orphanage look as clean and presentable as possible. Everyone was a little crazy when L was involved.

Several students were preparing challenging pieces to perform in the hopes that L would have time to hear them. Many of these selections consisted of piano or violin pieces. I myself had not prepared anything. Why should I? I didn't need to impress L.

I did wish Mello would show off though. Mello is very talented on the piano. I don't know if he played in school before he ran away, but he must have had prior experience. The first time he had played for me it had taken my breath away. Mello seemed different when he played the piano. He was quieter, calmer, and seemed peaceful.

Unfortunately Mello did not like people to see that side of him. He really was an excellent piano player, but unless L had heard it during their meetings, the only people who have heard Mello play are myself and the piano instructor.

It was getting late as the preparations for L's homecoming died down. Dinner passed quickly, and with my games to distract me the sun set quickly.

Mello was reading. I watched him for a moment, and suddenly I really did want to hear him play. He'd only played for me several times, and only at night when everyone was in their rooms. I glanced at the clock. It was late enough that everyone was supposed to be in their rooms, and he _was_ in a good mood because of L coming back.

Tonight could be a lucky night.

"Hey Mello?" I asked, breaking the comfortable silence between us. He glanced up for a moment from his book.

"Hm?"

"Will you play for me?" I asked.

He looked up completely this time. "Matt-"

I interrupted him. "Come on Mello, please? Everyone is in their rooms by now and no one will hear us up in the piano room. It's been a long time since you played anything for me."

Mello watched me a moment then sighed, marking his page and closing the book. "Okay let's go then," he said, standing. I smiled and followed. We cautiously entered the hall, making sure none of the adults were wandering around and waiting to catch us. When we were sure it was safe, we snuck quickly to the piano room, being as quiet as possible.

I loved this room on nights like tonight. It was a full moon, so pale moonlight flooded into the room, making it bright enough to see. I closed the door quietly behind us and Mello moved towards the piano. I sat on the couch behind him as his fingers fell gently upon the keys and began to play a familiar melody.

He could make it look so effortless. The music was soothing, but what was more soothing was watching him play it. He didn't look so concentrated playing the piano, he looked relaxed. And bathed in the moonlight, he just looked beautiful.

Although I doubt he'd appreciate me saying that.

He played several pieces and I just watched him. Sitting with him here, alone, in this room at night...it felt like we were secluded from the world. It felt like nothing could touch us. This is what I wanted my life to be like some day, just me and Mello. I wanted him to be happy and not always worried about beating Near. I wanted us to always be financially secure with a place to stay that we could call home.

I wanted us to be together for all time.

It's hard not to be sappy while listening to Mello play like that. It's hard to believe I could feel so strongly at only fifteen, but I did. My thoughts were interrupted when Mello stopped playing and glanced at me.

"Matt? Come here."

I obeyed, moving to stand beside him. He scooted over slightly and motioned for me to sit, which I did. He looked kind of nervous, which was strange. What did he have to be nervous about? "What is it Mello?"

"Um…" he paused, looking down at the keys. "Well it's not amazing or anything…but I kind of…wrote this."

I just looked at him. "Wrote what?"

"What I'm going to play."

Oh. I just nodded and watched as he positioned his hands and began to play. He was right, it wasn't as challenging as the other pieces he had been playing, but just the fact that he could create something so beautiful was amazing. I was awed, as I expected most people would be, if they knew Mello could create something so calm and peaceful.

I was suddenly overwhelmed. What would I do with my life if Mello found a girlfriend? What if he got married, had children, and had his own home and his own life away from me? What would I have to live for in this world?

Listening to him play, I couldn't think of an answer. Not one.

If I didn't say anything though…that's what would happen. Mello would eventually move on with his life, and I would be alone.

The only alternative was to tell him how I felt.

But I was afraid. Mello and I had been through a lot together. I loved him, and he loved me. But I loved him differently than he loved me. If I confessed and he didn't feel the same, everything would change. At the worst he would never want to speak to me again and be disgusted by me. I liked to think he cared about me too much for that, but you never know. At the best we'd pretend it never happened, but there would always be that awkwardness surrounding us after that.

I was happy. I didn't want to mess that up.

But at that moment, sitting together at the piano in the moonlight, I wasn't sure I'd be able to hold back much longer.

/…/…/…/

L returned during dinner the next day. He could have returned at any point during the day, but he made his first appearance at dinner, much to everyone's delight. He answered several questions about the Kira investigation and how long he would be staying before Roger told everyone to leave him alone for a while and eat their dinners.

Mello could barely sit still once we returned to our rooms. "Did you see him Matt?" he asked, pacing back and forth across the room.

I rolled my eyes. "No Mello, I _didn't_ notice him sitting there all night."

"Could you see that confidence? He totally took Kira down."

"Really? I thought that Kira had defeated him and that L was an imposter."

"Do you think he'll talk to us tonight? It's not late yet."

"I'm sure he has nothing better to do than talk to you and Near."

"What's with the sarcasm?" he asked, turning to glare at me. I looked back down at my game, pushing the buttons a little harder.

"Nothing."

There was a knock at the door before he could say anything else, and he went to answer it. Standing there was Roger. "Good evening boys. L would like a word with both of you, starting with Mello."

"Alright." I could feel Mello watching me but said nothing, and finally both he and Roger left the room, leaving me alone.

It was stupid of me to be jealous. I knew Mello only wanted to make L proud and be the best, but I couldn't help it. As sad as it was sometimes I was jealous of Near, since Mello put so much attention into defeating him.

I really am pretty pathetic.

It was almost 7:30 when Mello got back. "Your turn," he said. I just nodded and stood, stuffing my DS into my pocket. "I'm going up to the library," he told me as we exited the room, walking towards L's room. "I'll see you later," he said, giving me a quick wave and turning the corner and going towards the library.

I breathed in slowly then continued to L's room, knocking on the door and waiting to be allowed in.

The room was dark except for the light from the computer screens. Used to this, I simply took my place in front of L, waiting for him to speak.

"It is good to see you Matt," he said, inspecting a candy before tossing it in his mouth. He held out a dish with a variety of sweets towards me.

I took a lollipop and put it in my pocket for later. "Nice to see you too L."

He placed the dish down within reach of both of us, selecting another candy. "I see your studies are progressing well, particularly in computers."

I nodded. "I like working with computers. The classes on them are relatively simple though. I've taken to reading books in the library on them."

"I think you've found your specialty then," he commented idly. "Although your scores in any type of English or literature class are not nearly as high."

"English is not my strong suit."

"I can tell, although you may do better if you studied more and played your games less. I am not one to discourage one from their passions though," he remarked.

Not knowing what to say to that, I just sat there, wondering if this is what Mello's meetings were like. Did they just discuss grades for a while and then part ways? Or were there other conversations? Things only someone truly in the running to be L could talk about?

I shook the thoughts away when I noticed L staring at me. "Yes?" I asked when he continued to watch me and say nothing.

"Matt I would like to ask you something, if I may."

I blinked then nodded. "Of course."

L placed down the licorice he had been eating on the table to give me his full attention, which immediately had me on alert. L did not often deviate from eating his sweets while we were talking. What could be so important that he would do that now? "Tell me," he began, "how are things with you and Mello?"

"What?" I asked, slightly thrown by the sudden topic change.

"When you two arrived you were inseparable. Is that still the case?" he asked.

"I…um yes, I suppose."

I didn't understand why L would be asking questions like this. What did mine and Mello's relationship have to do with anything? L said nothing a moment, just watching me. I shifted uncomfortably, wondering what he was getting at with questions like that. Was there something wrong with having a close friend at Wammy's?

Or…what if he knew?

My face must have slipped a moment, because L asked me what was wrong a second later. "Nothing!" I insisted, aware of how desperate I sounded suddenly. It wouldn't take a genius to realize I was hiding something.

"Finding someone you truly care about is a rare and precious thing," L said finally. "It can be hard, especially at an institution like this, to find someone you really trust. I have only experienced that with Watari, and I see that same trust with you and Mello. Although at the same time, it also seems different."

"Different how?" I asked, trying to play it off as if it were no big deal. L wasn't fooled though.

"I think you know what I mean."

I said nothing.

"It is unwise to hide your true feelings around those you care about. In a way it is lying to the person you feel deeply for."

"But it's not always wrong," I protested. "Sometimes lies are better than the truth."

"Isn't that somewhat selfish of you? The only thing that is holding you back is protecting yourself."

I just stared at him. "Since when are you so good with emotions?" I asked finally.

An almost smile came to his face. "I had quite a lot of practice during the Kira investigation. Regardless, I would not worry about Mello pushing you away. He cares for you as well. He does not wish to see you hurt, correct?"

"Of course not."

L nodded. "Even if everything does not work out as you would hope, I do not believe Mello would stop being your friend. I have never seen a bond as close as you two share. Here at Wammy's a bond like yours does not even come close to existing. If you trust him as much as you claim, you should trust him to not hurt you."

I didn't know what to say to L's words of wisdom. I had always thought he was more logical than emotional. I suppose the advice he had given me had been rather logical though. I knew Mello cared, so he wouldn't try to hurt me. Never on purpose.

"Mello seemed somewhat distracted during our meeting," L said, lifting up his abandoned licorice. "This is as good a time as any to end our own meeting. Do not forget to work hard in your summer classes. Perhaps if I remain here long enough I can assess your computer skills myself. Good night."

I smiled. "Night L. Thank you." I jumped up and moved towards the door, taking one last look back at him before exiting.

He was right. Mello and I were best friends. It couldn't hurt to tell him. What if I told him and it just made everything that much better? Even if he didn't feel the same, I'd feel so much better just to tell him. Just to get it out there. Mello would never just abandon me. He had promised me that years ago.

I was going to do it.

I was going to tell him.

/…/…/…/

**AN: Like that ending? I'm sure you all love it xD So here was the L appearance I promised. Not as long as I expected, but L just wanted to get in and out I guess. Oh well. He has served his purpose. Look at Matt's burst of confidence now! I couldn't have him angsting every chapter and not doing anything about it after all.**

**Mello playing the piano came kind of randomly. At Acen I met Vic Mignogna and me and my friends each bought a CD. My L lent me Vic's piano CD and I was listening to it as I wrote, which prompted that bit. I became particularly fond of track 7, titled "Peace." I suppose it's what I imagined Mello playing.**

**Hopefully updates will come on a weekly basis again, but I have less than a month of high school left so I'm getting very busy. I'll do my best! Thanks for reading!**


	10. Confession

AN: Hello everyone. Being a senior is tough. I have senioritis, I'm planning my graduation party, have tons of makeup work from missing for field trips, have a research paper to write…and I had nice three days to do all this. Instead I went to chocolatefest, did a Death Note cosplay photoshoot, and I'm going to the museum with ten other people. And now I am here writing this. My paper is due Friday and worth 400 points, WHY am I not doing it?

/…/…/…/…/

Chapter 10: Confession

Mello had said he was going to be in the library, so that's where I headed.

L was right. Mello and I had been through a lot together. He had helped me before he had even known me. He had protected me the best he could after he did get to know me, not only from my dad multiple days or the conditions on the streets, but emotionally holding me up, keeping me together. He would never hurt me. He had never hurt me intentionally.

Except that one time, but he had been apologetic immediately afterwards.

We had been fighting. I don't even remember what started it, but it had escalated into a shouting match about Near, and Mello does have quite a temper…

_"Why would you even think of doing that? What's wrong with you?! Bullying someone like that makes you just like your father."_

_I've never seen Mello so enraged. "How dare you?!" he screeched, launching towards me. "I'm nothing like him! Nothing!" His hand fisted in the material of my shirt. "Knocking over his stupid dice towers and taunting him is nothing compared to what he did to me!"_

_"You're still bullying," I retaliated. "You're still tearing someone down. In my opinion that makes you like our parents."_

_It happened fast. Mello's hand swing back and his fist connected harshly with my jaw. I stumbled and fell backwards and landed on the ground._

_I panicked. Mello was standing over me and he still looked so angry, so enraged. The expression on his face reminded me too much of my dad. I was suddenly terrified of him. I stumbled backwards on my hands and knees until my back hit the wall, closing my eyes and drawing my knees to my chest. I raised my hands to protect myself but no further hits came._

_"Matt." Mello's voice was drained of all anger and I opened my eyes, peering up at him. He looked shocked. He slowly fell to his knees and began to crawl towards me. His movements were slow; as if afraid he would frighten me off. "Matty," His voice was weak and his face was drawn in regret. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He paused in front of me, hesitating. "I didn't think…I didn't mean…" Words failed him and he cautiously reached towards me. "I'd never Matt. I'd never treat you that way. Please forgive me."_

_The terror was fading and I leaned forward, allowing his fingers to brush my jaw. Reassured by my reaction, he crawled forward and sat beside me._

_"It's okay," I told him, allowing him to take hold of my chin and gently inspect my jaw._

_"No. It's not," Mello said, looking downcast. His hand dropped, but he didn't move away. "You were right. You didn't do anything and I hit you. After all you've been through, and I know better than anyone what it's like, and I still did it."_

_"You're not your father, or mine," I protested. "I should never have said that. It was wrong. You're nothing like either of them."_

_Mello was silent a moment before he spoke again. "Matt…I need you to not forgive me."_

_"What?"_

_"If I ever hurt you like that…if it was ever on a regular basis…don't forgive me."_

_"Mello," I tried to interrupt._

_"I don't want to turn into my father. If I ever hurt you, stay away from me. Promise me."_

_"You're not doomed to repeat your father's mistakes."_

_"But it happens!" he said. "Just promise me. Don't ever let me hurt you." He was so determined at that moment, and I knew I had to promise. I wasn't worried though…I trusted him._

_"I promise."_

That was when he started keeping to his vow to not hurt me or scare me away. That was why he had been so apologetic when he had to restrain himself when I was accidentally named as second. I had promised I would not forgive him if he ever hurt me again.

In all honesty though, I don't know if I could stick to that promise. Not then, and especially not now.

It didn't take long to reach the library. I slowly opened the door, glancing in to find Mello. It was easy to spot him, since he was in the middle of the library talking with a girl.

I froze at that. I recognized her, although I couldn't remember her name. Her hair was shorter than his and nicely styled, proving she must spend at least an hour on her hair each morning. It was just a little darker than Mello's and she looked nervous. I was going to interrupt when she started talking.

"Mello I really…I admire how hard you work and I…I really like you Mello!" she said, not making eye contact.

I just stood there. This was so similar to the day I realized how deeply I cared for Mello. It had been a confession just like this that had made me realize I wanted to be with him forever.

"I barely know you," he told her. "So I can't say the same about you."

Her cheeks turned red in what I assumed was embarrassment, but when she looked up at Mello rage was burning in her eyes. "You don't care about anyone's feelings Mello!" she accused. "You have never once given one person a chance except Matt, and you guys came here together. Is that why you reject every girl?"

"What?!" Mello exclaimed as my eyes widened from my spot beside the door. Neither had noticed me, wrapped up in their conversation, and I was really glad for that now. Mello's reaction seemed to spark something in that girl, and she looked up at him defiantly.

"Is that the reason? Are you and Matt 'special friends?' It would certainly answer a lot of questions like why did you come here together? Why did you choose to share rooms, and as the rumor is, beds? Why is he the only one you even let near you?" She seemed sure of herself now, but Mello's back was to me so I couldn't see his expression. I didn't need an expression though, the words were enough.

"How dare you make a wild accusation like that? I don't even know your name, how can you make any assumptions about me?! I have certainly not done anything with Matt, and I most certainly will not be doing anything with _you! _I am not opposed to hitting annoying girls so get out of my face before I make you move!"

"You certainly vehemently protest it Mello. Maybe you're denying it? Embrace who you are. I don't see how anyone else could put with you anyway," she said, turning abruptly and walking away.

"I'm not denying anything you delusional witch. Just because I don't want to date a hag like you doesn't make me gay!"

I sensed more than saw Mello turn and quickly retreated from the doorway. Not wanting to confront him now, I moved quickly to our room.

My confidence had been torn away after that girls remarks. Mello's reaction had just been so…shocked. Like he couldn't believe it was possible; like he couldn't even consider it. What would he say to me if I confessed right after those girls comments? Would he even believe them to be legitimate?

But by his tone…he sounded so disapproving. Suddenly I didn't want to tell him anymore. I didn't want to risk it.

What if he was that harsh towards me? I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle being completely alone.

I could assume by his exclamations that he wasn't gay. If he wasn't gay he wouldn't return my feelings.

It was amazing how one could go from being so confident and excited to so down and insecure.

And he had said he wasn't denying that he felt that way towards me, which meant he didn't feel that way towards me, which would at the best make everything awkward and at the worst ruin our entire relationship.

Maybe I was being selfish but honestly I had suffered a lot in my life. Did I deserve to be selfish for once? Is it so wrong to not want to be hurt? Is it so wrong to want to have someone stay by my side?

But he wouldn't not forever, not if I didn't' tell him.

But if I told him he may not stay by my side at all.

I didn't know what to do. Was it more right to tell him or try to ignore it? Could I ignore it anymore? I was so stressed by this tension that could build when I was too close to him, to stressed trying to hide my stares and watching what I said. I didn't want to keep doing this. I didn't want to keep hiding. Maybe I could-

Mello walked in then, but paused at the site of me. An awkward silence filled the room. He shifted uncomfortably in the doorway and just stared at me. It was kind of unnerving, and I didn't know what to say. Slowly he closed the door and walked to the opposite bed. He laid back and stared up at the ceiling.

"I hate annoying, brainless girls, don't you?" he asked.

"…Yeah."

That was that. I couldn't tell him. Just that remark, it completely disregarded everything that girl had said. Even though he didn't know I had heard it, he had said it, meaning to him everything she had said was useless. Every comment she had made about us was false and could never be.

It hurt. It hurt a lot. It hurt that I had got my hopes up to have them come crashing back down. Mello and I had both grown up in a terrible environment, but he turned out more normal than I. He would grow up, get married, have children, have a life. I would grow up with no one except a best friend and my games.

But could I go back to normal now?

Could I just pretend I didn't like him? That I didn't love him?

Now he might be watching me closer, and he'd notice the way I acted around him. He'd notice my need to be near him and to touch him. He'd notice my glances and my stares. He was a genius, he'd figure it out. It would be so much worse if he figured it out on his own.

So I'd just have to keep more of a distance from him. Less physical contact, less watching and strange comments.

It couldn't be that hard…right?

/…/…/…/

**AN: Please don't hate me xD I promise the REAL confession will happen soon, and as frustrating as this part is it is absolutely necessary. I'd say I'd try to get a chapter up sooner to make up for it but I have an eight page paper to write due Friday morning that I haven't started. I'll work my hardest.**

**Matt jumps to a lot of conclusions, no? He just loves to angst haha. If all goes according to plan there should be four more chapters.**

**Until next time, bye guys. Sorry this chapter is so short.**


	11. Trust

**AN: Oh boy guys…so my computer sucks. It's true. The monitor is slowly dying. It keeps flashing to a white screen and then…that's it. That is why I'm typing what I wrote in class hurriedly…because I may not be on again for two weeks. I can HOPE Best Buy will call it a lost cause and just replace the monitor right away but I doubt it. If there's a huge break, sadly, that's why.**

**On a happier note…I finished my research paper! Just like an hour ago actually. Finally. My last choir concert is tomorrow and I have homework but I MUST get this chapter out. Enjoy!**

/…/…/…/

Chapter 11: Trust

I feel totally alone and abandoned. True, Mello hadn't abandoned me at all. If anything I was the one abandoning him.

I was trying to keep a distance from him. Not a large distance of course, but I was trying to avoid unneeded physical contact. It felt strange. I'd never noticed how often we were touching until we weren't anymore.

I didn't lay my head on his shoulder when I was tired. I didn't curl up against him at night, although I could at least blame that on the rising temperatures summer brought. I didn't really like it, but because that girl accused Mello and me of being together, he'd be looking for signs hat we acted like we were together. I had to eliminate any signs, because then Mello would figure it out. And when Mello figured it out, everything would get messed up.

It would be so much worse if he figured it out on his own without me telling him. He would not only be disgusted, he would be angry that I didn't trust him.

And I did trust Mello, I really did. I trusted him with my life. I trusted him with my feelings, but to put that much of my trust out there…to risk the loss of the only person I cared about…

I don't know if I trust him that much.

I don't trust myself, because honestly I don't know what I would do if I lost Mello.

"Hey Matt!" Mello caught my wrist to stop me from my trek down the hall and I instantly pulled away. He blinked at me in surprise and I cleared my throat, quickly trying to erase the silence.

"Um…what do you need?"

Mello kind of stared for a moment then shook his head slightly. "Um…could you come to our room? I have a question about some homework."

I didn't believe him at first, but it turns out he really was asking me about homework.

"I have a project in my organized crime class and I realized something while on the FBI website. Many different Mafia families are on the list, but not the Mexican Mafia. The Mexican Mafia may not be on the same scale as the Italian Mafia, but it's definitely international," he was saying.

"What's your point?" I asked.

"What if the FBI is working on something with the Mexican Mafia now?"

"…And why are you telling me this?"

He sat next to me on the bed and smiled. I shifted away, uncomfortable with the strange smile he was giving me. "Do you think you could maybe…hack the FBI?"

I just stared at him. He couldn't be serious. There was no way he could be serious. Hack the FBI? That was ludicrous. That was ridiculous. His expression never wavered.

"Oh my God you're serious!" I exclaimed finally.

"Well of course I'm serious," he said. "What made you think otherwise?"

"I…you…I can't…do you know how long and how much work that could take?!" I sputtered finally.

"But you'll do it, right Matty?" he asked. "It would really help me out. Please?"

Damn him. He knew I couldn't resist him anything. "It could take a while," I warned. His smile broke into a full grin and he leaped at me, pulling me into a strong embrace.

"Thank you Matt." I didn't move to hug him back, but I didn't pull away, figuring that would be even weirder. Besides, Mello was so warm. I never wanted him to let go. "Matt?" I dimly registered his voice and blinked, looking up at him. "Are you okay?" he asked. "You've been acting weird lately."

"Weird?" I asked. "How so?" I shifted on the bed nervously.

"I don't know…" he said slowly. "Just weird. Different."

"I'm fine," I tried to reassure him.

He just watched me for a few moments then finally shrugged. "If you say so." His stance said differently though. Just like when he met, he knew something was off. He knew something was wrong. The silence stretched on for an uncomfortably long time before we finally separated and continued on our separate paths.

Things continued to get more awkward. Even Mello must have felt it by now. Despite my best efforts, tension seemed to be rising between us. If I thought physical contact would help, I would try it. Unfortunately all it did was cause more awkward moments. I savored every touch with him now, and I think he noticed. This was not helping me hide my feelings at all. Mello also seemed more on edge and frustrated. Even if I still wanted to confess, I wouldn't do it now when something was obviously bothering him.

"Hey," he said, tossing his books on the desk and sitting down.

"Hey. How were classes?" I asked.

"Boring. Yours?"

"Same."

"…Did you get homework?"

"Some," I said. "You?"

"Yeah. I should probably do it, I have a test tomorrow too."

"Okay."

Silence.

That was how most of our conversations went now; nothing meaningful. Our statements were punctuated by awkward silences. We had never needed placeholders before, but we were using them enough now to make up for it. I wasn't used to having such useless conversations, but they were at least safe.

I was trying so hard to keep everything safe. The stress, the tension, it was killing me. It was slowly breaking me down, pulling me apart. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to handle this. Was this how it was going to be forever?

Mello was still always by my side, but it felt like a distance was growing, and I couldn't stop it. It was like in a RPG when you have to pick options. It's always very obvious, one option is going to bring the pair closer together, and the other is going to create distance. Distance is always the safer option because the person will still join your party and be a good fighter, but you miss a lot of the storyline you could have gotten. If you get closer to the person it causes more in-game drama, always, and at some point always breaks everything apart.

I don't want this distance to grow. I don't want him to be some side character in my life. Every time I get the courage to tell him though, terrible 'what if's' run through my head, and I just can't.

I know I'm a coward. I know I'm being selfish. I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I wasn't afraid to just say what I feel.

Honestly I don't think I can go on like this. I don't think I can hide it much longer. I've tried to avoid him more, but every touch is like Heaven. Every time I'm near him my heartbeat increases. He's all I think about anymore. He's all I care about. This is the worst it has been yet. I'm so zoned in on where he is at all times. The daydreams are rampant now. I can't help but imagine him kissing me, him holding me, him saying he loves me as more than his best friend. That he wants to spend his whole life with me.

It's so painful to try and pretend this doesn't exist.

What's worse is I think Mello is finally being perceptive about this, probably because of that girl. He never paid this close attention to us before.

I was sitting in our room, playing my DS when the door opened. There was a pause, then the sound of it closing, and then footsteps. Mello stopped in front of me and I looked up at him. He looked determined, and I slowly looked down at my game, saved, and closed it.

"Matt, what's going on?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, trying to play dumb. He barely let me finish the sentence.

"I'm sick of that bullshit! There's something going on and I want to know what!" Mello snapped.

I closed my eyes briefly, sighing slightly and looking back up at him. How did I handle this? How could I answer him?

"There's nothing going on," I said finally.

He growled and turned away, pacing the room a moment before returning to me. "Why have you been acting so strange lately?" he asked. "You never used to shy away from contact, but now you flinch if I'm near you. Did I do something?"

I shook my head vehemently. "No Mello, it isn't like that. It's not like I'm afraid of you."

"Prove it." He reached forward suddenly, one hand tilting my chin towards him, the other on my shoulder. He was close, very close. It was almost like he was going to kiss me. My cheeks felt warm and I could only pray he wouldn't be able to tell I was blushing.

His hand was warm against my skin. His hand was also soft, his touch gentle. This could all be so perfect. Why couldn't it just be perfect?

Mello was watching me and I slowly came out of my daze from memorizing the feel of his hand against my cheek. That awkward tension began to form again and Mello appeared to be studying me. He looked confused, like he couldn't figure something out, and now he was the one who looked uncomfortable. Finally he backed up and just stared at me.

"I don't understand Matt," he admitted. "What's wrong? I know something is bothering you. I can see the way you're watching me, trying to gauge my reactions. I just don't know why, and why all of a sudden? Why don't you want me near you anymore? I thought you trusted me, why would you keep something from me?"

Ouch, that one hurt. It just reinforced everything. If I trusted Mello, why couldn't I trust him with this? Why couldn't I trust him not to hurt me, not to hate me?

But I had trusted people before. I had trusted my parents early on, and in school I had trusted in the good of people that maybe I could find a friend. None of it happened. None of it worked out. But I had trusted Mello for so long.

So why couldn't I trust him with this?

I opened my mouth, prepared to tell him, but the words stuck in my throat. I could see it in his eyes, this was my last chance. If I didn't say it now, if I didn't answer, something was going to be broken. Everything would get messed up if I didn't tell him. I could just see it in his expression, in his body language. He was giving me one more chance to trust him with what was bothering me.

I opened my mouth again, but the sound would not come. The words didn't emerge. I closed my mouth and just looked at him, and he shook his head disappointedly.

"Mello please," I managed, voice weak. He turned away and I stood, catching his arm, no longer frightened of the contact. I was only desperate to stop him. "Mello please don't do this." I don't know what I was begging him not to do, but I could tell it was bad. This entire situation was very bad.

He just pulled away and gave me a quick look, and so much was infused in that one glance. Anger, betrayal, disappointment. I swear I felt something break in me.

I hadn't answered. I hadn't trusted him.

Mello turned and walked back out the door, closing it behind him.

"Mello no," I whispered as the door closed. "Mello…I love you."

But he was already gone.

/…/…/…/

**AN: I know it's short compared to other chapters but honestly the chapter feels kind of perfect to me. All that needed to happen, from a building tension to the confrontation, happened, and it's done in time for you to get an update until my computer gets back.**

**Thanks everyone for reading and reviewing. GA has reached 200 reviews and I'm so happy. Four chapters left now I think? Things have heated up, tune in to see how everything ends. Matt said it out loud to a closed door, can he say it to Mello? And what is Mello going to do now that this trust has been broken?**


	12. Because I Love You

**AN: I'm spoiling you guys. Now I found out the monitor could take one the THREE weeks to fix. My life sucks sometimes right?**

**So the climax of the story is here, and just like with Savior I find myself needing to write it. The end is close and it makes me sad. Several chapters ago I just wanted it over with because I needed a break, but now I don't want it to end.**

**So here you go, another chapter for you guys. Are you all loving the angst?**

/…/…/…/

Chapter 12: Because I Love You

_I had just gotten away from my literature teacher, Ms. Flannagen. The woman had lectured me for ages about not appreciating language and how I needed to try harder. Even at Wammy's teachers were sometimes biased, and she had hated me ever since I insulted Shakespeare._

_Geeze, sorry for having an opinion._

_She had kept me after for ages, and I had only just escaped. I was now wandering the halls in search of Mello. _

_I found him several minutes later, but he wasn't alone. He was standing with a girl down another hall. She had light brown here that fell halfway down her back. I could vaguely recall her name also starting with an M…Michelle I think. I was about to go over when she started speaking._

_"Well Mello it's just…I admire you a lot and well I was wondering if maybe you would…maybe we could…" she trailed off, eyes trained on the floor and cheeks stained red with embarrassment. I froze, waiting with bated breath for Mello's reaction._

"Say no,"_ I thought, shocking myself. I had never really thought about Mello possibly getting a girlfriend. This girl didn't deserve him. I didn't even know her name for sure, how dare she assume she was good enough for Mello?! _

_"I…" Mello started and what felt like a million emotions assaulted me at once. I wanted him to say no. I shouldn't want him to say no should I? He was my best friend; I should want him to be happy with someone else._

_But he was happy already. He was happy with me. He didn't need this girl; he would never need a girl like that!_

_I was so caught up in my thoughts I almost didn't hear him reject her. When he did though I couldn't stop the smile that spread across my face, or ignore the relief that spread throughout my chest. I turned and fled before Mello saw me._

_I knew Mello would probably go back to our room, so I went outside, finding a secluded corner against the building and hidden behind the bushes. I drew my knees to my chest and took a deep breath. Why did I care so much if he got a girlfriend? That was a normal thing to do right? Get a girlfriend, fall in love, move in with her, have children?_

_No…I didn't want Mello to leave me. How would I get by without him? We've been together for years; he would never just leave me like that would he?_

_I was breathing hard now, and had to focus to calm myself down. I was being stupid. It wasn't that big of a deal. I tried telling myself this, but a second part of me argued that it was, in fact, a very big deal, and that Mello should never leave me for someone else._

_I imagined him spending his evenings hanging out with his girlfriend. He'd eat dinner with her and spend his free time with her, talking and doing couple things like holding hands. He'd stay around the room less and less, and then one day he'd lean in towards her, their lips brushing._

_I felt like I was suffocating at that moment. Mello's hands cupping _her_ cheeks, his lips on _her_ lips! It wasn't right! It wasn't fair!_

_Mello was mine!_

_I gasped out loud as that statement ran through my mind. What was I thinking? Mello wasn't mine, he had no owner, and he could do what he wanted._

_But to imagine him leaving me behind to be with some girl, for him to hold her even more intimately than he held me, for him to reassure her, care for her…_

_Kiss her…_

_He couldn't do that. I wanted him to be with me. Always with me._

_And with those thoughts came realization. I didn't just want to be with him, _I _wanted those touches. I wanted to be held, to be cared for. And when I imagined his face in my mind, lit by the sun as he smiled, not studying or doing homework, but just looking at me, focused on me…I wanted to kiss him._

_A lump began forming in my throat that I could not hold back, and suddenly everything came crashing down on me. This wasn't right, this wasn't _normal_, and Mello surely did not feel the same. He'd never feel the same. This would ruin everything!_

_Why, after all I went through, after I finally found something good in my life, why did this have to happen?_

_To my embarrassment, I couldn't stop the tears from coming. Why me though? Why did everything good have to end so horribly? Why did I have to be different? Why couldn't I even just deny it, use a defense mechanism?_

_I knew I couldn't deny it though, and for the next hour I sat there and cried._

_And when I went back to the room, I did my best to act normal. It was harder at first, but it got easier. Eventually I made myself deny it, but that didn't last very long. I knew the truth._

_I was in love with Mello. I was in love with my best friend._

I wish I hadn't seen that girl's confession that day. Would I have realized the depth of my feelings if I hadn't seen that? Probably, as time went by. Even so, I couldn't help but resent seeing it. If it wasn't for my feelings, everything would be fine.

Now though everything was the opposite of fine. I knew from the look he had given me that it was going to be bad, but I hadn't expected it to be this bad.

Mello and I weren't speaking.

I had not consented to this, but Mello was doing an excellent job at doing it all on his own. He slept in his own bed and I slept in mine. He didn't sit with me in class or at meals. Our room was dead silent, and whenever I tried to talk to him he would leave or turn on his music.

I was absolutely miserable.

Meals were the worst. I knew, as I sat alone and ate, that everyone was watching. Everyone knew that we were fighting. I felt ashamed to be sitting alone. It was awful, sitting by myself and feeling the stares on me. The pity directed at me, the smugness of others knowing that sure I was third, but at least they had _friends._

I was afraid to try and talk to him now. I didn't want to face that harsh rejection when he refused to speak to me. He wouldn't bother to listen now, he was too angry.

But I had to try. This had been going on for almost a week now and it was killing me. Every day felt worse. Mello was all I had, and without him I was alone. I had no one to talk to about this, all I had were my feelings. My feelings on their own were enough to have my near tears at night, and combined with being alone I was barely getting by. I couldn't stand it anymore, sitting alone while others talked and laughed with friends.

"Mello?" I asked hesitantly, standing beside him. It was dinner and he was sitting at a table alone eating. He didn't look up. I glanced around and slowly sat beside him. "Mello please…let me explain," I pleaded. He said nothing, but his eating pace increased. "Mello please." It felt like I was saying "please" now more than I had in my entire life. "Can't we just talk about it?" He stood abruptly, still not looking at me, and went to toss out his garbage.

I sat there, feeling embarrassed and abandoned. How could he act like I was nothing? How dare he? After all we'd been through together. Suddenly angry, I stood and stormed after him.

I caught up with him in the hall. "Mello!" He didn't stop. I lunged forward and grabbed his shoulder roughly. "Mello listen to me!"

He looked at me then, but his glare was enough to have me take a step back. To see nothing, no sympathy, no guilt reflected in those eyes, it scared me.

"Leave me alone Matt," he said softly.

The anger was gone as quickly as it had come. "Mello you can't do this. After we went through so much-"

"Don't!" I flinched. "You have no right. I swear Matt if you don't just leave me alone I'll hurt you."

"B-but Mello…"

"You promised to stay away if I hurt you. Don't make me do it." He turned away and continued down the hall.

I couldn't move. I just stared, until he vanished around the corner. "But Mello," I whispered finally, "You're already hurting me."

/…/…/…/

I didn't try to approach him again that week. I wasn't really afraid of him hurting me. Nothing could be worse than what I was going through now.

Mello wouldn't even glance my way. He talked on and off to several people, but nothing more. He spent most of his time studying, but he wasn't excessive. Probably just so I wouldn't bother him about it.

One night, a week after the confrontation, I realized maybe I didn't deserve Mello. Maybe I deserved this treatment for not trusting him.

I felt worthless. It's amazing how one week can do that to a person. I'd gotten so used to having Mello by my side, and to not have him, to have no one…it's the worst feeling in the world. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It was like I didn't even matter, not to anyone.

Had I ever really mattered? If Mello could just forget me this simply, had he ever really cared?

I knew I was being stupid even considering that. Of course Mello cared. But when it was like this, it didn't feel like he cared. It didn't feel like I was all that important in his life.

Would he even care if I was gone?

I wasn't being suicidal or anything, really I wasn't. I'd never kill myself. I didn't have the guts to do it. It was just a thought running through my mind. Would Mello regret the way he's been treating me if I killed myself? Would he worry if I was hurt and in the hospital? If he got an offer from L to go alone and help on a case, but he could never talk to me again, would he do it?

I just didn't know anymore.

Mello wasn't going to forgive me for breaking his trust. The only thing that might help would be me explaining…me telling him what secrets I was keeping.

And by this point I was really considering it. This was the reaction I had feared I would get from Mello if I told him. How much worse could it get than this? It might even get a little better.

Well I suppose it could get worse. If he was disgusted, and I knew he was ignoring me because of my feelings for him…

It would hurt even more.

And honestly I don't think I could handle it.

It was night now. It wasn't late, but late enough for most children to be in their rooms relaxing. The window was open and a cool breeze blew in, blowing Mello's hair gently from his place at the desk.

I was overwhelmed. I couldn't keep living like this. I couldn't sit here and just let our entire relationship come to an end. I wasn't going to come out and confess, but I was going to make him talk to me. I was going to make him see how much he was hurting me.

"Mello this isn't fair."

He glanced at me then looked back at his book. My hands clenched and I stood, storming over and ripping his book from his hands. "Stop ignoring me!"

I didn't know where that rush of courage came from, but I didn't care either. I just had to get as much of this off my chest before I gave in again.

"What the hell Matt?!" he yelled, standing as well. I threw the book to the other side of the room.

"You are going to _listen_ to me Mihael! We have been together for three years now! You saved me, and I think I helped save you too! You got me out of that house and kept me safe, even in such a harsh environment. We have been here for two years and everything has been going great! I will not let you ruin it!"

"Me ruin it?" he asked, outraged. "You're the one keeping secrets from me! I gave you so many chances to tell me what was wrong. Things have been really weird lately, and I wanted to know what was bothering you. And then you can't trust me enough to tell me, after all I've done for you?"

"I just didn't want to get hurt."

"I've protected you for years!" he exclaimed. "I would never hurt you on purpose."

"But you are!" I shouted. My eyes stung as the full impact of everything caught up with me. The feelings, the past week, being alone, and having no one. The weight of it all came crushing down at once and the words poured from my lips. "You betrayed me! You broke your promise! You said you would always be there for me! You promised not to hurt me! You're doing it right now. Can't you see that? You're all I ever had and now I have _nothing!_" I furiously wiped my eyes before the tears could spill over. I would not do this in front of him. Not now.

He looked stunned. "Matt-"

"No, it's _my_ turn to talk," I interrupted. "The reason I didn't tell you is I didn't want this to happen. I didn't want to be alone. I was alone for so long, and you are the only thing that has gone right for me in my life. I've trusted you; but you turn around and can just ignore me like that? It doesn't feel good Mello! It makes me feel like I don't matter to you at all!"

"But you do matter to me," he said. "Of course you do."

"I know. I know I do, but right now it doesn't feel like it. Right now it feels like I could vanish and it wouldn't matter to you."

"Don't say things like that," he said fiercely. "Don't you ever. Friends fight Matt. It happens. That doesn't mean I wish you were gone, so never think that. I'm just angry that you don't trust me enough to tell me what it is that has been bothering you."

"But I do trust you."

"Then tell me. Why have you been acting so weird? I care about you Matt, really I do, but I can't do this anymore. I can't keep pretending everything is okay when it obviously is not. So tell me, or I can't fix this, tell me why you're acting this way, and why you're so afraid to tell me!"

"Because I love you!"

The words had slipped out before I could even think about stopping them. Mello looked surprised and confused. "I know. I love you too…but-"

"No," I interrupted. "I'm _in_ love with you!"

Comprehension filled his eyes. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. My legs were shaking, and I couldn't breathe. All I could do was watch him.

He took a step backwards and just stared at me. I couldn't tell what emotions were on his face, because before I had a chance to study them he had turned and fled the room.

My heart broke. It literally felt like it was falling to pieces. I had known he would react this way. I had known he would be disgusted or run off.

But he didn't even have the decency to stay and say something. After all this time I had said it, I had said it out loud to him, and he ran. He didn't say anything.

I barely made it to the bed, collapsing on top and burying my face in my pillow. I didn't bother to stop the tears now, or try to contain the chocking sobs that escaped me. It was over. I had told him, and he had run. He didn't feel the same. Things would never be the same again.

Love wasn't worth it. It could bring such happiness, but all it brought me was this. I curled up and cried harder, knowing I could never have anyone else in my life because I was so hopelessly in love with Mello.

An hour passed before I was almost silent and drifting off to sleep. My face was wet and I was exhausted. The last thing I remember before falling asleep were two thoughts.

I wish I hadn't told him…

I wish I didn't love him.

/…/…/…/…/

**AN: Poor Matty D:**

…**What else can I say? Sorry for another angsty cliffhanger, especially with the next update date unknown. Because of that I will tell you ONE THING about the next chapter. It will be in Mello's POV. Now you'll see how he has been perceiving all this.**

**Until next time guys, enjoy. Thanks for reading.**


	13. Those Three Words

**AN: As you can see, my computer is, in fact, alive! The monitor is actually going to take three weeks to fix. My dad is amazing though, and hooked up our small flatscreen kitchen TV as a monitor for me. He rocks.**

**Alright everyone, ready for Mello's take on things? I had a bit of trouble with him for a while, Wammy!Mello is more stuboorn than adult!Mello when it comes to writing in his POV. Oh well. Enjoy!**

/…/…/…/

Chapter 13: Those Three Words

"Because I love you!"

I blinked and just stared at him. Because he loved me? I knew he loved me, and I loved him too. In the back of my mind though, realization was starting to break through. I ignored it for the moment though. "I know. I love you too…but-"

"No, I'm _in_ love with you!"

It all clicked. The lack of touching lately, that girls comments, his staring. He loved me, as in he wanted to be _with_ me. It was just like that girl said. But he was Matt, he was…a _he_, and…

I couldn't stay here, not with him watching my expectantly, waiting for a response. I didn't know what to say, how to respond, or what to do at all. With one last look at him I turned and fled the room.

I was immediately filled with guilt, but tried to suppress it. By running I was hurting him. I was doing what he expected I would do. I couldn't help it though. Thoughts were running through my head at lightning speed. Those moments that felt so intimate really had been intimate. That girl's accusations, they were true for him. He must have heard, that's why he acted so strange all this time.

I needed to get out of here. I needed to think. It was late enough for the halls to be empty and I quickly dodged out the door and into the yard. I didn't move away from the building, I couldn't risk someone seeing me. I ran around the side and crawled through the bushes, sitting against the wall and pulling my knees to my chest.

Matt liked me. Matt fucking _loved_ me. Oh God what was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to say?

I let myself panic for a moment, just to get it out of my system. This could ruin everything. This could make everything so awkward. I certainly was not going to continue to ignore him like I had been doing though. That had hurt both of us too much, and I didn't want to hurt him.

But to say he was in love with me. How could he even know something like that? I didn't even truly know the meaning of love. Sure I figured Matt was the closest thing to love I ever felt, but what is "in love?" Is it wanting to spend your entire life with a person? To keep them safe? How could someone know they wanted to spend their entire life with one person?

I was scared. This all felt so sudden. I realized then however, that it was not so sudden. If I thought about it, about our interactions, everything made sense. Some of the things he did for me, some of the things he said, it all fit into place. How long had he felt this way? How long had he suffered through this without me noticing?

I did not feel like number two at that moment, I felt like fucking last. How could I have missed something as big as this?

And how did I respond to it?

Sure I'd never looked at another girl before, but that didn't make me gay.

I took several deep breaths and slowly began to calm down. Okay. I had to think about this rationally. I had to stay calm and sort through all my thoughts.

When I met Matt for the first time I made it seem like I had just been out to get something in return. In reality the thought hadn't crossed my mind at first. The look on his face, panicked, resigned, it had reminded me of myself, and I'd felt a strong urge to help him. It was only afterwards that I had decided he owed me.

Logically I know that he had no way of knowing that I loved chocolate, but that he brought some made me automatically somewhat fond of him. We'd started meeting up regularly, and I could tell he was being abused. I recognized the signs. I wasn't going to say anything though, not if he refused to acknowledge it. But when I had seen those two guys watching him, waiting to grab him, I had snapped. How could someone be so sick as to think of doing something like that to a thirteen year old boy?

I became protective of him without even meaning to. I began walking him home, sticking around later and later to make sure his dad didn't hurt him too bad. Then one night it did get bad.

I could hear the fight from outside. I'd never heard it this bad before, and I was about to go in when Matt came out. I stayed calm, but the fear on his face had scared me. I wasn't used to caring about someone else, but as I urged him along I knew I had to keep him safe.

I did my best to keep him safe, all those days on the streets. He came to rely on me, too much probably. It was okay though, because I wasn't going to leave him. Over time the urge to keep him safe just intensified.

I have never been so scared in my life, the night Matt collapsed from sickness. His skin had been so hot, and I hadn't been able to get his temperature down. He was crying and moaning in his sleep and I had really thought I was going to lose him. When he was okay, when he woke up, I had been so relieved.

It was then I think I knew I loved him, though I didn't admit it to myself. When Matt said it the night we ran into his father I had been surprised. I didn't know how to react. What was love really? I hadn't experienced it before. Over the next couple weeks though, as everything began to fall apart, when I realized I couldn't let them take Matt and risk him returning home by himself, I think I figured it out. It wasn't until Matt comforted me after I revealed my past that I admitted it was love.

I hadn't considered romantic love though. It had always been as friends, as brothers. I'm not even sure to describe what it was. We were all each other had.

The years at Wammy's had been so wonderful, besides Near being number one. It was always Matt who reined me in, reminded me to live, to have fun. It was hard sometimes, but I did it for him. I did it because I couldn't stand the thought of him staying up worrying about me all the time. He shouldn't have to deal with that.

But everything got weird when that girl made those accusations. I wasn't thinking when I answered her; I was just angry and defensive. I didn't want people thinking Matt and I were together, because we weren't. Gay's got tormented. They got hurt and pushed around, ridiculed and humiliated. No one would dare do that to me, but to Matt? If I wasn't around and he got hurt because of some rumor, I couldn't bare it.

Before then though, I'd never really thought about our relationship. We were close that was all. After that though, I began to watch Matt. Matt was different. He shied away from touching me, and we were surrounded by awkward silence.

He had heard. It was the only explanation. He must have liked me by that point and tried to hide it, now that I was looking out for it.

But after that girl's confession I _had_ thought about a relationship with Matt. Not much, but it had crossed my mind. I hadn't realized then that Matt liked me, I was just confused. I was angry, and I was frustrated. I didn't want to like Matt that way. I didn't want to fall in love with a boy.

To be honest I tried imagining myself with one of those girls, any of them, and I just couldn't. I thought of spending all my time away from Matt with them and I was disgusted. I didn't want to be away from Matt.

And that had scared me. I pushed those thoughts back, refusing to analyze them, and instead focused on my anger at Matt. I got so frustrated with him for refusing to tell me what was going on, and ignoring him became my revenge. I couldn't look at him when I knew he was lying. It hurt to know he didn't trust me, and for a time those thoughts pushed my questioning to the back of my mind.

Matt confronting me like that had been unexpected. I'd felt so guilty when he described having nothing. For him to think he was unimportant killed me. I had broken my promise to him. I had hurt him. I knew I was hurting him by acting that way and I did it anyway. He deserved better than that. He had gone through enough hurt in his lifetime without me adding to it.

And I was breaking my promise to him now. My stomach clenched when I thought of him, up in our room, probably curled up in bed crying. No wonder he hadn't told me, I had reacted just as he had expected. I had run and now he was up there crying, feeling like he was alone in the world.

I leaned my head on my knees and closed my eyes. I was an awful best friend. How could I have not noticed this? He had always touched me and clung to me on the streets, but here at Wammy's it felt different. I can't describe how, but it did. I had never noticed before.

I hadn't wanted to notice.

I growled in frustration. I didn't know what to do. What did I feel towards Matt? Was it romantic love? I felt strange, imagining myself with Matt. He was a boy, and I was a boy, and it wasn't normal.

I didn't have anything against gay people, but that didn't mean I myself wanted to be gay.

I needed to talk to someone about this. But who? The only person I could think of was L. I was embarrassed though. What would he say if I came and asked him about this? But I needed help sorting all these emotions out. I couldn't hide out here forever. I couldn't leave Matt inside forever thinking I was disgusted by him. But I refused to go to him until I knew how I felt. I was just so confused…

Finally I crawled out of the bushes, quickly examining my hair for any twigs or leaves. Once I was satisfied, I quickly moved towards the doors, sneaking in. It was late now, probably after curfew, so I moved silently down the halls until I reached L's room. I hesitated a moment, then knocked.

"Come in."

I opened the door slowly, peeking in. L was seated at his desk, a cup of tea beside him and a slice of cake in front of him. "L? Can I talk to you?"

He turned to face me. "Of course Mello."

I closed the door and moved towards him, pulling up a seat and sitting down. I didn't quite know what to say. L waited patiently, going back to his cake as I struggled to find the words. Finally I decided it was best to just come out and say it. "Matt is in love with me."

He didn't look surprised. "I see," he said, eating the last bit of cake. I could really use some chocolate right now. "And what was your response?"

"I…I ran away." I looked at the ground in shame.

"Not the best response," he stated.

I shook my head, still not looking up. I felt so guilty. What if he thought I was disgusted by him? I wasn't, not at all. I just didn't know what I felt. But he wouldn't see it that way. He'd think I was abandoning him. I had to firmly remind myself to sort out my feelings before going back to him.

"What is it you wanted to talk about?" L asked, interrupting my thoughts.

"I don't…I don't know how I feel."

"Well I cannot decide that for you," he said simply.

"Oh I know, I know that, I just…need help sorting through this. I don't know…I just don't know how to tell if I just love him as a friend, or as more. I'm not sure I even know the real meaning of being in love," I admitted.

"There's a difference between loving someone and being in love," L told me. "You can love anyone; a friend, family, a mentor. To be in love however, is different."

"But how can you tell?" I asked him. "How do you know if you love someone like that?"

L took a sip of tea and studied me a moment. "Mello, do you want to protect Matt?"

"Of course I do," I said, shocked he would even ask that question.

He nodded. "You wish him never to be harmed? You wish for him to be happy?"

"Yes, of course I want him to be happy."

"Do you think about him when you are separated?"

"We're never really apart," I said. He just looked at me and I thought about it. "Well I think of him in class sometimes. If I'm bored I'll think about what he's doing, or what we'll do later. I…I suppose I do."

"And if he were to get a girlfriend, what would you do?"

"What?"

L repeated himself patiently. "What would you do if Matt had a girlfriend he wanted to spend time with? How would you feel if he spent most of his time away from you? He'd be away taking this girl on dates, being with her, talking and thinking about her."

I couldn't deny that I would hate that. I would hate to lose Matt to anyone. Maybe I was possessive, but that wasn't so strange right?

L seemed to know what I was thinking without me having to verbalize it. "Mello, it is somewhat difficult for me to explain, seeing as I have never been in love myself. Simply put, to be in love is to put someone before yourself, always. I have been told, to be in love is to feel complete, but only if that person is in your life. I have seen the devotion one in love may show, and although her behavior was a little eccentric, I believe her love was true. One does anything for the one they love." L looked at me directly then. "Matt certainly seems to be in love with you. I am not one to sway others in the way they live, but I believe you must not abandon him, no matter what your personal feelings are on the matter."

"I would never abandon him!" I yelled, my temper getting the better of me. I stood, hands clenched at my sides. "How could you think that?! Matt was all I had until I came here! He means too much to me for me to ever leave him!"

L studied me a moment. "You would never leave him?" I shook my head adamantly. "Let me ask you this then. Let's say I told you that you were to be my successor, and that you beat Near. For this to happen though, you would have to leave Matt. You would not be allowed to speak with him or spend time with him, and he could not know the reasons for your sudden silence towards him. Would you leave him then?"

Would I? I would beat Near, and I would become the next L, just as I always dreamed of. But to leave Matt, even if he knew why I did it, to even imagine the look on his face when I refused to talk to him.

This thought process took mere seconds to work through, and my voice was firm when I answered. "No."

"Then perhaps you have your answer."

I could see what L was hinting at, and took time to process it. Then I thought of Matt. I thought of how messy his hair was in the morning when he woke up, and how he wouldn't brush it unless I nagged him to. I thought of how lean he was, although now it wasn't because of hunger. I thought of his eyes, deep and caring, the window to his soul. His eyes gave him away; it was always easy to detect the emotions in them when he had his goggles off.

I'd never realized how much I liked it when he had his goggles off.

I never wanted to see him hurt, physically or emotionally. I didn't want him to leave me behind for some other person, for some girl, and I didn't want to leave him behind either. L's question, to choose between defeating Near and staying with Matt, had really made me realize all I needed to know.

"I have to go now L."

He simply nodded and turned away. I moved towards the doorway, pausing at the threshold. "Thank you."

"There is no need to thank me Mello," he said, still not turning around. "You always knew the answer; you just needed help to process it."

I left then, making my way quickly towards our room. I had been stupid never to notice. I don't know how I never did before. How long had Matt felt like this? Weeks? Months? Years even? How hard must it have been to live that way, hiding his feelings? He didn't deserve that.

I reached our room and slowly opened the door, glancing inside. Matt was curled up in bed, eyes closed. He was asleep. I could see the tear tracks on his face and my stomach clenched with guilt again.

How could I have left him like that? I knew how much it would hurt him for me to run away like that.

But I could explain now. We could work through all of this. Things would be alright. He shifted on the bed, eyes slowly blinking open. He saw me and froze. His eyes widened and he tensed up, simply staring at me.

But it was okay. Everything would be fine. After all…

I knew what 'I Love You' meant now.

/…/…/…/

**AN: Some parts of this chapter took ages. Ah well. Only two chapters left guys! It is sad, but I DO have a lot of other stuff in the works. Several ongoing stories, a collab, and many oneshots. And possibly a not plot-driven sequel. But we shall see in time. I'll explain more later. Hope you all enjoyed the chapter, and we're back to Matt's POV next chapter.**


	14. My Everything

**AN: This is not the final chapter, there's still one more left! Enjoy it, I know it's what you've all been waiting for.**

/…/…/…/

Chapter 14: My Everything

He was moving towards me, carefully avoiding our possessions scattered across the floor. My heart was pounding as he got closer, and I slowly sat up. I suddenly realized I was shaking. The room was hot and I took a shaky breath as he sat beside me.

This was it. This was when he rejected me. This is when he told me I was disgusting and that he never wanted to be near me.

"Matt…I…"

'I don't want to be your friend anymore. I can't believe I ever helped you. I can't believe I shared a bed with you. I want a new roommate this instant.'

"I think…"

'You're disgusting. I never want to see you again.'

"I think that I…"

Here it comes. I'm about to lose the only person who means anything to me. I closed my eyes so I wouldn't have to see his face when he told me.

"…May be in love with you too."

What?!

My eyes snapped open and I could only gape at him. He wasn't looking at me, but his cheeks were dusted with pink. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't comprehend it. The only thing I could do was stare at him.

He went on. "I'd never thought about it before. But I have now. Matt…" he trailed off, and I swore my heart stopped for a moment when his hand reached out. His fingers brushed my cheek lightly and I let out a strangled breath.

This couldn't be happening. This just couldn't be real.

"You're more important than anything in the world to me," he whispered. "I don't know how long you hid this, or how I could have missed it. I'm sorry."

"Mello," I managed, voice weak. He probably wouldn't have heard me if he wasn't so close. Mello was seated fully on the bed now, facing me. His hand settled gently against my cheek and he leaned closer. He looked nervous, but he was meeting my eyes now.

He leaned even closer, his other hand on my shoulder. I couldn't move, not even an inch. He hesitated a moment, then leaned in, pressing his lips softly against my own.

I could tell how nervous he was, and it finally prompted me into action, and I returned the kiss. I was kissing Mello. I couldn't believe I was actually kissing Mello. My hands slowly came to rest against his waist. I couldn't imagine a more perfect moment. I never wanted it to end. It could never be enough.

We broke apart slowly, still holding each other. Mello laughed weakly and leaned his forehead against mine. I didn't know what was funny, but for some reason I laughed too. He pulled back a moment then kissed me again, more sure of himself.

The next time we broke apart I pulled him closer, leaning into his touch. His arms came around me and I accepted the embrace, letting my head rest against his chest. "I love you."

"I love you too," he replied.

"You really do right?" I asked.

I felt him shift and a pair of lips pressed a soft kiss to the top of my head. "Of course I do."

We both just stayed there a while. I was so happy. I was with Mello, and nothing could be more perfect. The ignoring, the fighting, the tension, and the stress of hiding this was gone. I could finally relax and just be happy.

"Matt?" his voice drifted quietly throughout the room.

"Hm?"

"How long have you felt like this?"

"About nine months."

His arms tightened around me. "Matt…I don't know how I didn't notice. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how hard it was trying to hide this."

I cuddled into his chest. "Mello don't worry about it. Everything is okay now, right?"

I felt him nod and we finally broke apart. We just looked at each other then averted our eyes awkwardly. Now that Mello and I were official, I didn't know what to do. We sat there in awkward silence. It wasn't surprising we didn't know what to do; neither of us had ever been in a relationship before.

Finally he stood and moved to his desk, pulling out notes for his organized crime class. I stood as well, pulling out my DS and sitting down to play.

The tension was elevated slightly still, but as we both became immersed in our own tasks, it slowly went down. This wasn't so different from normal, not really.

Things were going to change, but in a good way. It seems ridiculous that only a day ago things had been so bad. Now everything felt back to normal.

Well, not exactly normal.

Several hours later Mello finished his homework and studying. He put away all his notes then stood. I watched out of the corner of my eye as he glanced at me and then turned away, quickly changing for bed. He sat down on the bed slowly, still not looking at me.

I followed suit, saving and changing. Mello was still sitting there when I finished. I paused, suddenly uncertain. "I can still…sleep here with you, right?"

He seemed to relax a bit. "Of course." He scooted over and I slid in place beside him. I slowly closed my eyes, not knowing how I would sleep with Mello next to me. Strange how before I couldn't sleep without him beside me. I felt his arm snake around my waist as he scooted closer. "Night Matt," he said softly.

I shifted closer and got comfortable. I could hear his heart beating, and I murmured "Night Mello," in return, allowing his heartbeat to lull me to sleep.

From then on we were almost always touching in some way. We held each other at night. We held hands while walking to class or meals, fingers intertwined. I'd lean on his shoulder while he studied and he'd play with my hair while I was playing my games. We were inseparable.

We kissed openly in the halls. We weren't ashamed of each other. People stopped staring after a little while. Mello could be quite intimidating. If anyone even gave me half of a dirty look he would instantly threaten them or punch them, depending on his mood at the time. He always protected me. He was the only person who made me feel completely safe.

But I wouldn't stand for people insulting Mello either. Once while walking down the hall someone had called Mello "a girly ass faggot," then made a crack about him always being second. Before Mello could respond I had jumped the guy. I'd gotten a few punches in, telling him he didn't deserve to be in the same country as Mello, let alone the same room, before the fight was broke up.

"My hero," Mello had told me, kissing my bruising jaw as we were led to Roger's officer.

My games were taken away for the rest of the week.

It had been worth it.

Now I was sitting in my last class of the day, waiting for it to end. It's been two months since we first kissed, and life couldn't be better. I had thought that before, when I'd first come to Wammy's, but now Mello was mine and I knew nothing could ever top that. Mello was my one; my reason for existing. As long as I was with Mello I could be happy. Life without Mello would be pointless. I don't think I could live without him.

The bell finally rang and I stood, moving towards the door. I had no books with me to slow me down, so when I met Mello in the hall I was free to wrap my arms around his neck. I leaned in, kissing him softly. "Hey," I said.

He smiled. "Hey Matty." He gently pushed me back so my back was against the wall, giving the others room to get around us. He pressed closer and kissed me, for longer this time, hands placed solidly around my waist. "I missed you," he murmured.

"Missed you too," I said, even though we had only been apart for two hours. It was true though; I had missed him.

We occupied ourselves by exchanging kisses for several minutes until he pulled back. He laced our fingers together and led me outside and to our favorite tree. He sat down, and I settled between his legs, lying back against his chest and closing my eyes. It had been a long day.

"You okay Matty?" he asked.

"Fine," I replied. "Just tired."

"Too tired for tonight?" he asked.

I shook my head slightly. "No." Tonight we were having a movie marathon, like we did every couple of weeks. It had become a sort of tradition for Friday nights. I stretched then settled back, yawning.

He pressed a soft kiss to my forehead and wrapped his arms around me. "Sleep. I'll wake you in an hour."

I smiled. People couldn't seem to believe that Mello was this affectionate. I felt special that he only acted this way with me. I yawned and shifted, getting more comfortable, and drifted off to sleep.

An hour later Mello shook me awake, and we went to dinner. We ate a quick dinner at our usual table, and then went up to our room. We quickly set up and prepared to settle in for a long night of movies. Another good thing about this relationship was that Mello studied a lot less now. He wasn't nearly as obsessed with defeating Near as he used to be, and that I could do that made me feel amazing.

"Mello?" I asked as he set up the movie.

"Yes?"

I reached towards him and he quickly finished, crawling over and taking my hand. I smiled and leaned my head on his shoulder. "Mello do you think…do you think we'll stay together for the rest of our lives?" I questioned softly.

"Matt, I can't imagine loving anyone more than I love you. 'I love you'…it doesn't even feel like enough. You're all I had for so long…if I could only have one thing; you're all I would want."

I blushed at the sappy remarks. While overall our relationship remained the same (besides the constant touching and kissing), Mello could be very sappy and romantic when he wanted to be.

Sure we were only fifteen, but age didn't matter. When you find the one you love, that's all there is to it.

"You're the only one I want," I said finally.

"Don't worry about it Matt. We've been together for years. I'm going to watch over you forever. Let's just enjoy it, and not question the future."

I nodded and got comfortable as Mello pushed play. He was right. Why should I worry? I was happy. My life had improved so much, and all because I had chose that alley to dodge into. What if I hadn't chosen that alley? What would have happened?

Maybe it was destiny. Mello had saved me and looked out for me for so long, and now he was making my life complete. He was mine, and I was his. And he'd watch out for me always, like my own personal guardian angel.

He was my angel, my savior…

My everything.

/…/…/…/

**AN: I repeat, NOT THE LAST CHAPTER. One more guys, though it might be a while. Graduation is in less than a week so I have finals and graduation parties and so much going on. Until then I hope you enjoyed the fluff. I hope you are satisfied with the chapter, so give me some feedback on the sappy fluff xD**


	15. You Are All I Need

**AN: This is it! Last chapter! Sorry for the very long AN at the end.**

**On a side note: With this update, I have reached a total of 300,000 words archieved on this site! Yay!**

**/…/…/…/**

Chapter 15: You Are All I Need

**Three Years Later**

Awareness came slowly. I shifted slightly in bed, slowly opening my eyes. Disappointment shot through me when I realized Mello wasn't there. I suppose I should be used to it by now though.

It had been three years since Mello and I first got together. Three years…it felt like so long ago, yet at the same time, it felt like it just happened. A sudden wave of nostalgia hit me as I remembered those days, curled up in bed at Wammy's, sitting under our tree after a long day of classes, and our sometimes awkward but always rewarding experimenting late into the night.

I sighed and pulled the blankets tighter around myself. It had gotten chillier as September progressed. It was always much colder when I was by myself though. I shifted, remembering this day. I could never forget it. Five years ago I had met Mello for the first time.

I had always wondered how someone could remember a special day like that so easily, but it wasn't hard for me. Mello was the most important thing to ever happen in my life.

I glanced at the clock on the bedside table. It was only half past seven. Agitated, I stood up, shuffling into the kitchen, shivering as the cold air hit my bare arms. I should really start wearing a shirt to bed again. It was too cold not to, especially since Mello was never there when I woke up anymore.

"Come back to bed," I complained, wrapping my arms around my blond's waist. He didn't stiffen, he was used to this routine by now. "It's too early for breakfast, don't start cooking yet." Mello had an awful habit of waking up early in the mornings to cook.

He leaned back into my touch. "I can't sleep the whole day away like you can."

"But I'm cold," I whined, tightening my arms around him. "Please? Just a half hour, that's all I'm asking, then you can get me up and make breakfast. You can even make those damn chocolate pancakes."

"Chocolate chip," he corrected, but turned in my grasp so he was facing me.

"The way you make them you can barely taste the pancake," I said, nuzzling into his neck. I pressed my lips to his neck then, leaving several soft kisses. "Please?"

He sighed. "Fine."

I grinned and dragged him back to our room. The bed looked very inviting, so I leapt in quickly, wrapping myself in the blankets. I heard Mello chuckle above me, and he slid in beside me, pulling me against his chest. Content, and still sleepy, I quickly dozed off.

I wouldn't say I fell asleep really. I was conscious enough to feel Mello shifting against me sometime later. I blinked my eyes open and looked up at him. He leaned down kissed me slowly on the lips, drawing back moments later. "Morning baby," he murmured. "Time to get up."

"No, you're warm," I protested, clinging to him.

"You promised," he reminded me.

"I don't believe ever using the word 'promise'," I contradicted. He growled slightly and I slowly sat up. "Fine," I said, pouting. "I'll go have a shower then." I stood, moving to collect some fresh clothes, but his hand caught my wrist and pulled me backwards. Startled, I fell back on the bed. His knees were on either side of me, and his arms held me firmly in place. His lips found their way to my neck and I tilted my head to give him better access.

"I'll make your strawberry pancakes if you stop pouting," he compromised when he pulled away.

"That works."

I felt him smile against my neck. He pulled away, claiming one last kiss from my lips before moving towards the kitchen. I quickly collected a change of clothes and went into the bathroom, turning on the water to give it time to warm up. Once I was satisfied with the temperature I stepped in.

The water warmed me up instantly, and I allowed my thoughts to drift. Mello and I had left Wammy's recently, and were currently living in an apartment together. We had a very good sum of money from Wammy house to use as we saw fit. We had used some of it traveling, seeing parts of the world we had wanted to see. Right now we were busy deciding what country we wanted to live in. We planned to buy a nice house, and then we'd be set for life.

There were a lot of options for the successors of L, it turned out. Sure any graduate of Wammy's would be guaranteed a good career in the field of their choosing, but for the top three there were a lot more benefits. We had enough money at our disposal to live comfortably for quite a while. Not only that, but with our close ties to L, he could get us established as a detective agency almost anywhere in the world.

We would be a lot like L, in a way. We'd work closely with the police on any difficult cases they had. We wouldn't have private clients, but this was still a good deal. There was no more competition, we had all moved on with our lives.

If L died Near was supposed to take the title of L, but he was forbidden from taking our work and status from us. Overall, both of us were pretty content.

And really, being able to live anywhere in a nice home with a guaranteed career was pretty good for a couple of eighteen year olds.

By the time I left the shower the pancakes were almost ready. I smiled at my Mello as he sat down, placing the pancakes on the table.

"Any plans today?" I asked him.

"I have to go out after breakfast for a bit, but nothing else," he said.

I simply nodded, eating my breakfast. He finished first, giving me a quick peck on the lips and asking if I'd do dishes. I answered with the affirmative and he left. I stacked the dishes in the sink and set to work. I could do all the dishes later.

I wasn't much for cooking, but there was one dish I was very good at. It was double chocolate cake, and Mello loved it. To celebrate the day we met, I was going to make it now. He'd be home before it was done, but that was fine.

I cringed as the measuring cup slipped from my fingers, scattering flour all across the floor. The only downside to me baking was that I always made a huge mess.

By the time I was putting the cake in the oven I could hear Mello's steps in the hall. I didn't turn, instead licking the batter from the spoon. Not bad at all.

"What's all this for?" I heard. I turned to face Mello, who was standing in the doorway looking amused but curious. I moved forward, offering him the spoon which he took.

"This is the day we met, five years ago."

He paused, surprise flicking across his face. "I didn't know that. We never really celebrated before this. How did you even remember that day?"

I simply smiled, wrapping my arms loosely around his neck. "It was the first day anything important ever happened in my life."

He blushed slightly. I felt proud of myself that I could still make him blush years later.

The spoon came up, tapping me lightly on the cheek. "You're too sappy."

"Ew! Mel, that's gross," I exclaimed as the sticky substance smeared across my cheek. He laughed and I turned, grabbing a handful of flour from the tipped over bag and throwing it at his face.

He just stood there a moment, looking completely shocked. I laughed as he slowly reached up, wiping the flour from his eyes. I jumped backwards as he lunged at me. He paused then, grabbing the bag of flour instead. He smirked evilly at me as he advanced towards me. "Mel no…you don't want to do this," I said. His smirk just widened and he ran at me.

I turned to flee, but he tackled me to the ground, dumping flour over my head. I coughed, closing my eyes against the assault. What a great time to leave my goggles in the bedroom. I grabbed whatever flour I could from the floor and flung it behind me, hoping to catch him at least once.

I must have, because he backed off a bit. I quickly moved on the offensive, continuing to throw the flour on the floor around me at him as he scrambled backwards. I stood, scooping some residue cake batter in my hand and running towards him, smearing as much as I could across his face.

"Matt!" he shrieked in disgust, making me laugh. His hand searched the counter, furiously throwing whatever substance he could in my direction. I was pelted with sugar and several eggshells before I retreated. I realized my mistake a moment too late; the cake bowl was within his grasp.

He grabbed it. He had disposed of his gloves some time ago. I turned, hoping to escape the kitchen, but his hand, covered in sticky batter, grabbed the collar of my shirt, smearing the batter not only across my shirt, but my neck.

I tried to pull away, but it only led to us both falling to the floor, him on top of me. "Mello stop! No, Mello don't!" I pleaded. He had that evil look in his eye. I was pinned under him, and before I could attempt another escape he was smearing the batter in my face.

We were both out of breath by now. Mello was laughing above me and I laughed too, even if I hated the feeling of that batter all over my face. My eyes were closed, to protect them from the batter, but I heard him set the bowl down. Mello lied across me, still laughing breathlessly. I felt this fingers gently brush the batter away from my eyes and allowed them to flutter open.

Mello still looked cute, even when he was a mess. There was cake batter smeared in his hair and across his cheeks. Flour coated his hair and clothes, but with that relaxed smile, he looked amazing.

I was probably a sight, covered in the same mess he was. I reached up and tenderly wiped off a bit of batter from him forehead. He leaned down to capture my lips for several moments before laying his head on my chest.

He just stayed there for several minutes. I was content to wrap my arms around his waist and hold him to me.

I loved that we could have days like this. It was hard to imagine that I had been so miserable for so much of my life. It was hard to comprehend that one person could make everything perfect.

Mello shifted on top of me. "I need to take a shower. I need to get this batter out of my hair."

I laughed. Typical Mello. Ever since he had gotten used to bathing regularly, he couldn't stand to have his hair messed up.

He stood, offering me a hand to pull me up as well. He didn't let go, instead pushing me against the counter and leaning close. "Care to join me?" he asked seductively.

I was very tempted, but managed to contain myself. "I'd love to, but I can't let your cake burn. It wouldn't be good if we let the apartment burn down."

He pouted (which was absolutely adorable) but didn't ask again, instead licking what I assume was some batter off my cheek and moving towards the bathroom.

I shook my head at his antics and grabbed a washcloth, getting it wet and wiping as much flour and batter off my face as I could. I'd have to take a quick shower later to get the flour out of my hair, but for now it was fine.

I finished just as the timer went off, and quickly removed the cake from the oven. I set it to the side to cool and smirked to myself.

Maybe there was time to join Mello in the shower after all.

/…/…/…/

By the time we were both (finally) clean, the cake was cool. The day had passed quickly and it was early evening. Mello prepared dinner as I began to frost the cake. It was always my least favorite part, because it was hard to get the chocolate frosting to spread evenly, and because Mello always tried snatching the frosting if I wasn't paying close enough attention.

I grimaced at the frosting all over my hand, but that problem was soon fixed when I felt another hand take my own. Mello slowly took my finger in his mouth and sucked on it. "Mm Mello…come on I'm still tired." He smirked and licked the last of the frosting off before going back to cooking dinner.

I rolled my eyes and quickly finished frosting the cake. Mello was almost done with dinner by the time I was done and we enjoyed a nice meal before I was forced to do all the dishes ("You never did the breakfast ones Matt!").

Mello was kind enough to share a slice of cake with me (it was too much chocolate for my taste) before bed. Normally I might stay up late playing games, but in honor of our first day meeting, we turned in early together.

I turned off the light then crossed the room, crawling onto the bed besides Mello. I got comfortable beside him, leaning in for a long, romantic kiss before getting comfortable beside him.

Five years…it had been so long. I couldn't imagine my life without Mello. He meant more to me than anything. I had worried early on, but now I was sure nothing could ever break us apart. We were in love, and nothing would change that.

Because we were everything to each other. I had thought at first he was only helping me, but I had helped him. We belonged to each other. We were each other's saviors. We were each other's guardian angels. We always looked out for each other, even at the expense of ourselves.

With Mello I was safe and happy. With Mello I didn't worry about the outside world. I could care less about the outside world as long as Mello was in my world.

"I love you," I murmured into his chest. His arms tightened around me and he placed a gentle kiss to the top of my head.

"I love you too," he echoed.

That's all that mattered. The past, our families, the competition, none of it mattered compared to this love we had for each other. I could never go on without Mello. There was no me without him. There was no life without him in it.

Mail needed Mihael to exist.

Matt needed Mello.

We were a team, the two of us, and nothing could ever tear us apart.

All the hardships were worth it, to get where I was today. I had a loving boyfriend who completed me, and he was all I needed. He was more than a savior, or even an angel. He was everything to me. I wouldn't give him up for anything in the world.

And the best part was, I wouldn't have to.

He was all I wanted, and all I needed.

My savior and my guardian angel.

My one and only.

/…/…/…/

**AN: Did that beginning trick you? Make any of you nervous? Oh wow I can't believe this is done. Ironically it is done the day I graduated high school. I am officially a high school graduate! Yay!**

**Alright so the last line is also the title of the SEQUEL. My One And Only will not be plot driven like Savior and GA. It will consist mostly of fluffy oneshots of their life in the future. They deserve some happiness after all I put them through don't you think? Do NOT expect any updates on that for a while. I need a break from ongoing works.**

**Besides that I have several other multi-chaptered stories I'm planning. One I've wrote parts of so expect that one sooner rather than later. I'm also in the planning stages with 0-Kelly-0 for a collab fic. It only has a basic plot so I'm not sure when that will be started. Of course I also have oneshots to get out to you all, so this is definitely not the last you'll be seeing of me.**

**It may be for a little while though. I have a lot of grad parties and my social calendar will be even busier in summer with friends. Also there's been a bit of a family emergency, but that's quieted down quite a bit now. Hopefully I'll still have internet access once my chemistry final exam grade is…haha.**

**Thank you to all my readers, and especially my reviewers, especially those of you who have been with this series from the start. I'll see you guys at my next update!**


End file.
